I am currently working on making the blog a little easier on the eyes so the site will be changing multiple times over the next couple of days. Deal with it.
Pay Steve.
-Management
Friday, August 28, 2009
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
pre-draft profile: ralph "ham" ross
(What is in the little red box Little Red Riding Ham?)
Friend. Brother. Son. Boyfriend. Babe. Fan. Employee. Giver. Ralph. He goes by many a name but do you really know who Ralph Ross is?
When my journey began to profile the lovable, chin-strap bearded Yankee fan, I had no idea what I would find. I had no idea what his story would be and after being met with dead end after dead end, my frustration began.
Here is what I do know about Ralph. He loves insurance...like more than anyone in the history of insurance. His affair with insuring people began when later-in-life friend Eric Gawkoski and high school hump buddy Steve "i am champ" Conigliaro introduced him to Tri-State Insurance where he worked for over a year. Ralph had enough and even his love affair with Yims Wok (a local [overrated] Chinese food establishment) was not enough to keep the man-child in the confines of the Jericho based insurance company. As Ralph quit, those around him were perplexed and even upset. "It was hard when [Ralph] left...more so than when that fag Steve left. I really did enjoy my time with [Ralph], I can't lie about that. But fuck that spic [Steve]. I'm coming for that bitch."
In terms of Ralph leaving, Steve echoed the sentiments of Eric Gawkoski: "[Working with Ralph] was a great time, actually. I was a little sad [when he left]...we weren't able to double team Danielle everyday anymore."
After Ralph left Tri-state, he picked up another insurance job before moving on to....you guessed it....a third insurance job. This is where the story blurs. After giving his two weeks notice at the second insurance company, Ralph left for the new position and as quickly as wings disappear in his basement on Sunday afternoons, Ralph was unemployed. Matthew Bruzzese talked to Ralph about the third insurance company and even he could not get answers: "I don't know dude, he said it was bullshit, he said he didn't care, but he didn't really say what happened."
Ralph has seemingly taken this life turn as a blessing. He spends his nights editing video for Major League Baseball and his days doing God knows what. "He's definitely getting ready for the football season," says childhood crush of Ralph, Matthew Bruzzese; "I bet he is making excel spreadsheets and jerking off into a Terrell Owens Jersey all day...but honestly I have no idea what he does all day...stare at a picture of that girlfriend of his...I wonder what she is doing?" Matt pondered before walking away with an evil smile.
Ralph's fantasy life is as murky as his regular life. He currently is the owner of at least two Yahoo! "handles." Participating in baseball this season Ralph logs in under the handle "rossralph." A review of Ralph's football history under "rossralph"revealed the following:
rossralph... has not played any Football Fantasy Games
A source who has requested anonymity due to his proximity to the league has informed us that Ralph particpated in multiple fantasy football leagues dating as far back as 2004 under the moniker "skintacoralph." After searching the Yahoo! database, it appears that our source was right. As for Ralph's fantasy football history...well that is spotty at best.
In 2004, his first fantasy football campaign, Ralph finished 9/10. The terrible showing seemingly scarred Ralph as he did not participate in fantasy football for three years.
In 2007, Ralph returned re-charged and re-focused. Participating in two leagues where he finished 3rd and 4th out of 10 teams. However, against less competition that year, Ralph did not fare so well. While managing in an 8 team league, Ralph finished dead....last.
In what may be a sign of maturity, Ralph did not shy away from football in 2008, again participating in three leagues showing mild success (2/8 and 4/8) as well as another below average campaign (6/10). But now he has changed his name. and no one knows why. Could he be hiding something?
"I don't know what he is hiding," Steve Conigliaro said; "but I'm not worried about him seeing what he has done in baseball this year." So many questions. So few answers. All we know is that the mystery extends beyond fantasy.
Steve "Eat Me Express" Tauber-Querolo tried to shed some light on the situation: "[Ralph has] an arsenal of worthless football knowledge that is going to take him straight to last place, right next to G and [Carl]. But on a serious note, he is really hiding the 'T.O.' that he has shaved into his pubes." Not done yet, Steve Q, in an almost jovial continuation, stated; "[Ralph's] got about the same chance at winning this league as Carl has of drafting a top five baseball team."
What is Ralph? A free spirit looking for his way? Or a cold calculated fantasy murder, looking for his first Yahoo! championship? "He looks like he could be an 80's porn star," says new guy Chris Taddoni. "It doesn't matter if he is a vampire, shape shifter, boy toucher or ESPN fantasy football guru....he's going down like Q's girlfriend on a non-Jewish penis....better yet, he's going down like Trent Edwards on a rainy day," proclaimed Matthew Bruzzese.
The mystery is still there, but one thing is for sure; Ralph can go along way to answering questions and shutting people's mouths with a strong showing in Bunch'a'Tools Fantasy Football 2009.
bi-daily reminders: pay up fuckers; comments
(Sponsored by a football between boobs. Heaven lies beneath the pigskin in the above said picture)
Listen up penis luggages. The draft is rapidly approaching and there are only four people in the league. That is because none of you have paid commish the money. I haven't either but I made this super cool website so I get a pass for the time being. Also I am better at life than all of you, which automatically buys me at least two weeks. I digress. I talked to the woman pictured above and she said you all repulse her but she would consider moving the football if you would pay up. Just saying.
Furthermore, I have heard a lot of comments about posts (specifically G's preview) and such being bandied about by everyone. While it excites me that you dude-skis are into this, I ask that you make some FUCKING comments on the website so we can get the shit talking going. If you want to make an announcement, call a mother fucker out, or just act like an arrogant asshole - simply email it to me and I will post it.
That is all.
-Management.
Monday, August 24, 2009
fantasy profile: Mike G
Webster's dictionary defines "selfish" as devoted to or caring only for oneself; concerned primarily with one's own interests, benefits, welfare, etc. regardless of others. Friends of Mike G seemingly define selfish with a simple glare in his classless direction.
In October of 1983 a wonderful/unfortunate woman gave birth to the unexpected...a full grown man. G did not squirm, crawl or even slide out of the womb. He walked out...with a full beard. You see G was born 4'5'' and grew from there. The pain of birthing a normal sized human was too much for even the strongest woman and the G's decided that "little" Mike was enough.
Growing up an only child, Mike was spoiled with love, attention and gifts. He developed a highly unwavering sense of entitlement which grew into what childhood friend Matt Bruzzese described only as "unimaginable selfishness." What's yours is mine and what's mine is mine - that seemed to be the theory under which G operated. Long time friend Neil Testa on Mike's ability to share: "G Share? Ha." Louis Fretto echoed the sentiment with a laugh, saying "I would have to say it's non existent."
Every video game, every bubble chair, everything he wanted, he got. But did he share? "Never," Matt Bruzzese said; "That son of a bitch even cut his hair like Buff Bagwell one time after meeting the juice head and tried to tell everyone that Buff Bagwell copied HIS haircut. Unreal."
Despite years of taking, keeping, wanting and stealing, it appears that G has found something that he cannot get his grubby giant hands on...a fantasy championship. A search of the Yahoo! database revealed that in three fantasy football seasons over two years (2007/2008) G has not finished higher than third. When questioned, Mike responded that he wanted a fantasy championship "more than I want your girlfriend." Pure class.
It seems that Mr. Me First is the only one who actually thinks a fantasy chip in his future as his fellow league members are not so convinced. "He has about as much [of a] chance [at winning] as you have of taking a solid shit." Eric Gawkoski stated via the Onstar Hotline. Steve "Eat Me Express" Q concurred stating, "The same chance he has every fantasy season. NO CHANCE. And that's on the record, bitch."
Ralph "HAM" Ross was a little bit more diplomatic in his forecast, but that did not stop him from expressing his true feelings: "In this league anybody could beat anybody on any given Sunday. The talent level is so high so you can't underestimate your opponent. [Mike G] will probably finish 7th or 8th just before Carl." Speaking of Carl, the boneheaded bumbling idiot came out of his self-imposed hibernation to say only that it is "highly doubtful" that G will win Fantasy Football in 2009 highlighting that "he doesn't do shit to his team. No trades. No moves." Even new guy Chris Taddoni did not temper his expectations of G's seemingly destined failure stating that "G has about as a good of a chance at winning as the Mets have of beating Cliff Lee today."
After researching this man's life, talking to his friends, delving into his past, and forecasting his future, I can honestly say that I do not think that Mike G is selfish; despite his stated desire to do dirty things to my girlfriend's "medium sized boobs." If anything, I have found him to be quite the opposite...I mean, after all, he is donating $50.00 to Bunch'a'Tools Fantasy Football 2009.
have you seen this man?
Name: Carl La Frank-COOOOOOOOOOOOO.
Alias': French Toast, Crazy Carl, Stupid Idiot, CARL SHUT THE FUCK UP, Dood, Buns, Massa Ass Blasta, Pop-up hitter to panty dropper, Mr. Clutch (at failing), STOMP STOMP, Bro, Last Place Larry, Lucky Loser, Drama Queen, Phantom Boob Grabber, Bleeder, and many more.
Alert: What the French Toast has been MIA like paper planes lately and the public is starting to suspect that he may have had a hand in the death of Jasmine Fiore. Anyone who knows this Axe spraying, fist pumping, injury prone, lovable ball of energy knows that he is capable of no good at any time.
If you know the whereabouts of the devil spawn of Mainland Marian and Lil Wayne -OR- any of you want to pay the $50.00 that you owe for the league then call Commish-Conig ASAP.
Sunday, August 23, 2009
it's a cookout bitches
Friday, August 21, 2009
rumor: i am champ to get first pick, still have terrible name.
It is no secret to those of you that have done fantasy sports with el commish that he seemingly gets the first pick...all...the...time. Coincidence; he would have you believe but now rumors are flying that a bromance between "i am champ" and little bit of luck himself might have been born from their love of male genitalia as far back as 1998.
After doing a little bit of research (see what I did there); it appears the manlovers celebrated the commish's 26th birthday in Long Beach in April of 2009. Also seen in the photograph is fellow league member Eric (team name: TBD). When asked about his association with the cute couple, Eric denied comment.
Champ's constant spot atop the draft board has irked fellow league members so much so that threats of throwing in the towel prior to the draft have been made. Steve "Eat Me Express " Q was asked about the drafting duo of Champ and luck and his reply was stern: "If he gets footballs (sic) I want my money back." Mike G (team name: TBD) echoed the Express' sentiments: "If he gets it again, I'm going to super kick him HBK style."
It is clear that league-wide rage has already set in despite the fact that we are still over two weeks away from the draft. This is certainly something we here at the blog will keep an eye on as draft day approaches.
In other news the commish has insisted on keeping the generic moniker that he gave himself after a series of fantasy victories. When pressed to change the handle to something new he responded: "But I.....am champ."
I wonder how little bit of luck feels about Champ corn holing all the glory...
Thursday, August 20, 2009
an accord has been reached
Despite a select few people (*ahem* Q *ahem* Carl) having their panties in a bunch; the commish has worked hard to get everyone on the same page and his hard work has finally paid off. Draft date is SET: Monday, September 7, 2009 (Labor Day). A special thanks to those who removed the sand from their vaginas allowing this to be possible.
While the time is yet to be announced, setting a date allows all parties to gear up for what will be a truly historic day. For all those who are worried that their busy lives, multiple jobs, girlfriend's parents, pretend social lives, bedtimes, etc. might get in the way of this dick party of fun and yelling; fear not - the draft will take place later on in the evening (sometime after 7:00pm).
From now until draft day, the blog will be active. We will have previews, interviews, and much more.
Pull your boners out boys...it's almost football season.
UPDATE: A special announcement will be made in the coming days concerning draft day. Keep you calenders open and your assholes wide...it's going to be a doozy.
welcome
(This post is sponsored by NY Giants girl - she is single-handedly making me a Giants fan...because if they win, I get to see more of her.)
Well if you are reading this it probably means that you have stumbled upon the official website of Bunch'a'tools Fantasy Football 2009 edition.
Over the course of the season, this site will have many features including but not limited to:
- Preseason previews of each team
- Draft day behind the scenes analysis
- Match up of the week preview
- Interviews with managers
- Optimal Shithead. This will be a feature on the worst manager of the week. It's a working title.
- Much more...
Feel free to use the comment sections on any and all posts for your shit talking needs. If anyone has anything they want posted; be it a picture of someone else, some kind of message to your opponents, etc. simply email it to me at teamfupa@yahoo.com. A link will be posted on the upper right hand corner below the standings.
With that being said....Let the games begin.
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