it's over.

ric wins. congrats.

If I decide to run a blog again next year, I will need some help cause clearly I cannot keep it up by myself. Taking applications now.

also, Carl, you still owe me money for softball and ric money for football and conig money for baseball.

come on man.

where is the carl? part 2

Still owing a lot of money Carl has seemingly fell off the face of the planet.

8 moves in football? not setting his basketball lineup? missing drafts? what the fuck dude?

SHOW YOURSELF!

mcnabb leads nips to a heartbreaking loss; guess that ass.

McNabb's terrible performance has really put Nips in an unfortunate position of looking up at the playoffs. Sucks down here doesn't it Chris? In other news, fishsticks put up the second most points in the league and still lost...gotta love that. When it rains it pours I guess, right? right?

Finally. I just felt like doing this - Guess the ass pictured below: (more or less to see if anyone still visits this site)

back from the dead (no...not team fishsticks...the blog, assholes)

Judging from the comments section; it is clear that you guys missed the shit out of this place. (sarcasm). What happened to the blog? Well, work blows, the Yankees won the world series and I am lazy. Add all of that up and you have zero updates in multiple weeks.

What has happened since we last spoke? Well the middle of the pack race has tightened up and about the only thing certain is that q is still gay. Now that the baseball season is over (finally) and my fantasy football team is all but mathematically eliminated; I am looking to finish strong here at bunch'a'tools.blogspot.com. To do this, I won't be looking to a certain New York football team for inspiration.

So fire up the insults...lets get each other angry.

new feature: doodie chat

I decided that at the beginning-middle of each week I am going to ask for a quick statement from everyone about their upcoming opponent in an effort to jump start the hatred and smack talk:

----------

RIC v. RALPH

Ralph - No comment...this team needs to focus on execution and just making plays. Can't worry about the numbers on the backs of the jerseys on the other side of the ball.

Ric - It doesn't even matter [who I am playing] I got the best team in the league. I'm going to beat said team down. Ralph, Dick, Bobby, Tom...it doesn't matter.

(how fucking noble of you Ralph. Way to step up and be a man. Keep your pansy shit for your other football leagues. Take your panties off for this one, choir boy.)

----------

Q v. CHRIS

Q - Me: any messages for your opponent this week? Q: Yeah. Thanks for pushing me into second place.

Chris - He is running into a hot team. Both on the field and off. He is screwed.

(That is what I'm fucking talking about)

----------

CONIG v. G

Conig - suck a dick, no homo.

G - I will be sending that Mexican back across the border in a body bag. Fack Steve...Fack his dumb team...fack his dumb face...fack MEXICO.

(who didn't see that coming.)

Update: Seemingly taking offense to my little add on there; G issued a further statement directed at yours truly: You know what you won't see coming...my fucking roundhouse across your stupid face when I walk in the door tonight you son of a bitch.

(At least he stopped spelling fuck - "fack" - right? right?)

matchup of the weak:

As. Simple. As. It. Gets. The past two match up of the weaks have been amazing...Can these two unworthy competitors keep it going?

The current last place team v. the perennial last place team.

(Sad as it is, I run this blog and yet I've had to pick myself in two, count 'em TWO, match ups of the weak.)

On the season fishsticks has the second lowest point total (994) and has broken Carl's dream weight (200) only twice on the season. Patience finally gave way to rash decision making as fishsticks has increased the roster moves exponentially in the past 3 weeks. Oddly enough, adding/dropping has done nothing to improve the performance.

On the other hand we have MANSWEATERS. After last week, MS broke the 1000 point threshold by doing the bare minimum (getting 1000 on the dot). He stands 2-3 on the season with wins over Ralph and G. He is in 6th Place and coming off a loss to Numero Uno: The Breaston Plants. Much like the sticks, MS has only eclipsed 200 twice, (in life - not since the day he was born) on the season and is looking to take advantage of what most deem to be an easy match up.

I was able to interview both managers prior to deadline and this is what they had to say:

fishsticks: "If I don't beat Carl, it is over. My fantasy mediocrity has turned to fantasy crapiness and it is time to shit or get off the pot. The one thing I do know is that win, lose or draw Carl is still a fag. I mean just look at his name 'MANSWEATERS.' The dude sweats men. He is admitting it to everyone and for that alone I should get the W. Regardless, I got McNabb back and I am working on some big things. Don't be surprised if the roster you see today isn't the same one that runs out there on Sunday but even if it is...that dick rider is going down."

MANSWEATERS: "No comments at this time. My secretary will get back to you."

One can only hope that secretary is a female, because if it is a male, he may never come up from beneath Carl's desk long enough to answer.

breaking: chris millen's win under review

Nips that cut glass very well may have gotten his first fantasy victory this weekend; then again, he may not have.

In a Battle of the Weak that again - DID. NOT. FAIL. Brett Farve and Bernard Berrian did everything they could to bring fishsticks his second win. When all was said and done Stattracker showed a 205-205 outcome; that is right, a tie. Thanks to Mason Crosby's gay field goal, the teams basically kissed their respective sisters. Alas, the morning came with a much different result - a 205-204 victory for Nips. Enraged by this, I have done research and the result of that research has been forwarded to Yahoo! for an explanation and possible score change.

Long story short, the match up scoring shows that Pitt's D gave up 28 points, which would be -1 in our league; had 3 sacks, which would be +3 in our league and a fumble recovery, which would be plus +2 for a grand total of FOUR points. But for anyone who watched the game, San Diego scored a TD on a fumbled punt return. Being in that those 6 points, in my opinion, shouldn't count towards Defensive points allowed, that would mean that Pitt's D actually gave up 22 points, which would be 0 in our league, which means Pitt's D had 5 points on the week and that Nips and sticks tied. The above summation has been forwarded to Yahoo! in a much more elegant fashion and an answer is expected in the next 24 hours. Big things poppin boys, stay tuned.

UPDATE: Bullshit win upheld. Whatever.

a bromance reborn

In 2006, Vernon Davis was drafted out of Maryland by the San Francisco 49ers. Concurrently, I fell in love with a big black man with dreads. In 2006 and 2007 I drafted the big cry baby and boy did he disappoint. 2008 was a extra tumultuous run for me and Vernon. There were multiple adds followed almost immediately by drops. By the end of the season I was convinced that Vernon's days as a fantasy player and a NFL contributor were over. Alas, Vernon has sucked me back the fuck in. So much so that I dropped surprisingly excelling Kellen Winslow for him. Will it be a bad move...almost certainly, but when it comes to love....those involved are indeed blind.

Also, Vernon is/was fucking this sooooo....he wins and I win with him.

matchup of the weak: fishsticks v. nips that cut glass

The 1-2 fishsticks enter their bye-week nightmare by facing the Chris Millen run Nips that Cut Glass (0-3).

The Nips that Cut Glass owner, ignoring his past performances, is steadfast in his belief that his time is coming: "I hate to say it but I think I'm going to get my first win this week."

This confidence is not unlike the rookie manager who has proclaimed greatness every step of his winless season. However, as the adjusted standings show, he has run into some bad luck so maybe his confidence is warranted? "I don't know why that douche is so confident but when it comes to performing on Sunday/Monday, his team has stunk worse than his horribly smelling shits," stated a defiant fishsticks manager.

Current first place manager, Eric Gawkoski had this to say: "If Chris loses, he's done. But this is a huge week for fishsticks too...if you go 1-3 that hurts. It's going to be interesting to see but I think Chris has an edge. The key player of the week is going to be Shaun Hill...that's a lot of insight."

Surprising house guest Anthony V., known as a sage by many, says "I am going with fishsticks...because I know Matt better."

So what will it be, will fishsticks fall further down the standings and drop to a desperation inducing 1-3 or can he recapture his Week 2 magic and right the ship? Fishsticks manager left us with these words, "He may have a good smile and a huge cock, but none of that will matter when I'm fucking his face like Reggie Bush does Kim Kardashian on any given night....and the Jets on Sunday."

new feature: adjusted standings

(this post is sponsored by hot asians getting labia punted.)

If you look to the right underneath the actual standings; I have created the adjusted standings. These standings are based on the total points that the teams have scored...so now you can look at it and bitch about where you would be if we played in a gay boring roto league.

I'm just looking for things to piss Q off at this point.

Observations on Adjusted standings post week 3

- Chris has seemingly run into some bad luck as his team has gotten better with each week and he has played the high score of the week twice.

- Carl has naturally assumed his seemingly fated position at the bottom of the standings. He is still 13 points away from 600; the only team that has not reached that mark yet...simply amazing.

- Ralph has had some good luck, though he did lose to Carl...which is the ultimate cock smack.

- 1 through 3 are in the exact order they should be...as is 6 which is me assuming my seemingly fated position in the middle of the pack.

forthcoming name change: buff no more

Unbeknownst to most of you, G and Q placed a little wager on this weeks match up shortly after the 1 o'clock games started. The bet - If G won, Q had to change his name to something other than "G's Mud Butt;" If Q won, G has to change his name to "I have mud butt."

So without further adieu...I introduce to to you:

I have mud butt

the win that could have been.

(I didn't make the video but the music pretty much turns this video from an 8 to an 11)

Much has been made of Conig's stunning Week 2 victory over Carl by the Bunch'a'tools faithful...but the whole story remains untold. As the savvy ring leader of bunch'a'nigs (then: iamchamp) pointed out to me today, Marion Barber (already with 23 points on the night) was in the midst of a ginormous run with nothing but end zone in his barbarian sights when he appeared to clumsily fall to the ground (seemingly emulating his owner, Carl, on any day that ends in Y). However, unlike Carl's infantile acrobatics in life, it was not retardation that caused Barber's fall but rather a hamstring injury...a hamstring injury that cost Carl at least 6 points (+ whatever yardage was left on the run) and the Week 2 win.

O man, this loss just keeps getting better.

could it be...do we have the a budding anti-dynasty?

Week 1: 192-173 Loss to to Ralph

Week 2: 254-204 Loss to G

Week 3: well on his way to a loss to Ric and securing the title of optimal shithead

The person I am describing is none other than Chris Taddoni aka nips that cut glass. After two moves and one name change, it appears that all Chris "Millen" has done is take baby steps to the path of non-perfection.

Chris' 0-3 start is only highlighted by the genius idea of starting Wes Welker (despite the fact that he hasn't played in one week or practiced in two) and benching a combined 30 points in Knoshown Moreno and LeSean McCoy (two players with names tailor made for Conig's squad).

So here's to you optimal shithead...Carl thanks you for keeping his spot at the bottom of the standings warm.

ap: iamchamp looks forward while looking back.

Taking a hint from yours truly, it appears that Conig has decided to change his team name. Stating that he wanted to distinguish his football team from his baseball team, Conig explained that he also wanted to pay homage to the team that gave him last year's chip. I now introduce to you the team formerly known as iamchamp: bunch'a'nigs.

you've got to be kidding me.

(The match up of the weak did. not. fail.)

The Red Sox from 1918-2003, the Cincinnati Bengals, the Cleveland Browns, the Cubs, Carl Lafranco. What do all of these things have in common? They are unimaginable, incomparable, un-save-able losers. These tormented souls don't just lose but they find new, embarrassing ways to lose day in and day out.

Going into Monday, Carl "MANSWEATERS" Lafranco was the proud owner of a 34 point lead. What stood between Carl and victory? A tight end by the name of Dallas Clark. 9.95 times out of ten; when you go into Monday with a 34 point lead and your opponent has only a tight end playing...you are going to win. But Carl has somehow, someway managed to stumble his way into the .05 percent.

7 receptions, 183 yards and 1 touchdown...36 fantasy points. That, my friends, adds up to an iamchamp victory...improbable as it may have seemed.

After watching Dallas Clark slap his dick down the field with daddy Peyton, an exhausted iamchamp said only:"Don't call it a fucking comeback," before heading into the locker room.

As if that story was not enough, what made this comeback even more impressive/ improbable/ tailor made to happen to Carl is that Indy had the ball for LESS THAN 15 MINUTES ON OFFENSE IN THE ENTIRE GAME. Stop playing fantasy sports Carl...stop gambling. Stop anything you can lose at because chances are you will find a way to do so.

(In light of the 223-221 iamchamp victory, MANSWEATERS gets optimal shithead for Week 2. By leaving Jonathan Stewart's 10 points on the bench (heir go leaving victory on the bench) Carl has become the proud owner of this dumb person award. Congrats "bro.")

week 2 recap

(This week's recap is sponsored by Jeter's fucktoy Minka Kelly. Why? Well if you are asking that you are gay, but I will indulge your Andy Benard-ness and tell you it's because she plays a cheerleader on a football show....and she is smoking hot.)

Not that anyone but Ric reads this but this week was hectic between becoming a lawyer (officially) and getting sick so all features are going to be short

Optimal Shithead Week 1 - iamchamp, because he said it should be him. To be honest I didn't realize I had to look at the stat tracker Monday night because it changes with the add/drops that people make on Tuesday. Moreover, apparently the match up feature on the league homepage doesn't feature benches. So congrats Steve, you win by default. Week 2's will have better analysis.

Match up of the Weak - MANSWEATERS v. iamchamp. iamchamp had high hopes coming into this season and MANSWEATERS...well he had aspirations of not finishing last. Unfortunately for both, Week 1 was not kind to their hopes and aspirations.

- iamchamp could have (or maybe not) managed victory from the jaws of defeat in Week 1. (I have just been too lazy to figure it out but regardless he ran into buzzsaw in points leader Q'sNARB - FYI iamchamp, Tom Brady did beat you).

- Carl picked up right where he left off in baseball, hockey, basketball, 2008 football...life. DEAD LAST.

So what does Week 2 bring these fierce competitors? Will Conig get back on track towards our first modern day fantasy dynasty and keep Carl in the basement? or will Carl pull a Buster Douglas...All I know? any. given. Sunday.

Match up of the Week - fishsticks v. Q's NARB. Roommates. Friends. Lovers. (What??) A battle for house supremacy could lead to an awkward work week for the two buddies. "Wait till Monday night," said NARB while fishsticks replied: "I won't have to wait till Monday night to lock this week down."

fishsticks manager Matthew Bruzzese has made headlines this week by announcing a forthcoming hiatus from fantasy sports after the completion of this fantasy football season...but can he go out with a bang? or will he continue his path of fantasy mediocrity? Starting Week 2 with an 0-1 record and having to play against a perennial powerhouse does not bode well for the fiery, impatient move maker.

statement from iamchamp: yahoo rules

http://help.yahoo.com/l/us/yahoo/football/scoring/football-75.html;_ylt=Ai9gy5D6uSOVJ6KOr9WIp7YClSN4

"Please Note: Points scored against the team's offensive unit (e.g.,

interception and fumble returns for TDs, and safeties) are not counted

in the Points Allowed category."

I want my god damn 7 extra points yahoo, you fucks, AND I WANT THEM NOW!

Please allow me to clarify. Iamchamp has the NY Jets Defense. According to stattracker the jets Defense got 13 points (including 7 fantasy points for allowing 7-13 points in the game). Had Stattracker counted the actual points allowed by the Jets Defense (0) then Iamchamp would have been entitled to 14 fantasy points. Did that change the outcome? No. His managing did that...but it might matter as this figures to be a high scoring league with plenty of points to go around.

opening day thoughts

So week 1 of the NFL season started with a sloppy mess of a game...unfortunately for one Bunch'a'tools team, that mess has put him in an early hole against one of his biggest life rivals. Fishsticks was and is hoping for a big season out of Willie Parker, but with his point total equaling the amount of games played on the NFL regular season, it sounds as if fishsticks is conceding the week.

"I fucking hate G in general but I am not worried about Fast Willie's slow start. G has a tendancy in life to come out of the gates like a bull on parade but that doesnt stop him from gasing out midseason,"

But does the sticks manager think his week is over?

"Hell. fucking. no. Even with his wide receiver forgetting that he is a dope head that choke artist's will eat a dick like it was a Wednesday night with Boosh."

Strong words from someone with a big hill to climb.

matchup of the week: q's narb v. iamchamp

(Week 1's Matchup of the week is sponsored by female gang tackles leading to boob grabs.)

Picking the Matchup.

Picking this week's "Matchup of the Week" is probably as easy as it is going to get. Since the Marlow based league started in 2007, these two teams have met in the Superbowl every year laying the groundwork for the fiercest rivalry that this league has ever seen.

History

In 2007's championship game Eric aka Q's NARB (then:The Brady Bunch) defeated Conig aka iamchamp (then: Theta) 387-349 to take home the chip. Focused on avenging his loss, Conig (then: Whattanigger) returned the favor in 2008 when he defeated Eric (then:The Champ is Here) 227-226 in what has been ruled a chip for the ages.

The rich history of these two juggernauts does not stop in the fantasy playoffs. When facing each other head to head since 2007, they both own a record of two wins/two losses with Conig holding a slight overall scoring lead (1051-986). If history has told us anything, it is that this is going to be a bloodbath to kick of the 2009 campaign.

Interviewing the players:

On starting the season against each other.

Eric (Q's NARB): "I think it's great for the fans that the two best teams the previous two seasons go at it. Let's face it, me playing Q in week one wouldn't really let the people know that the season is starting.

Conig (iamchamp): "Well traditionally in football the defending championship game participants start the NFL season so I think it makes sense...you know?"

Message for opponent

Eric (Q's NARB): "Message is simple: I'm going to win. If not, he cheated."

Conig (iamchamp): "Do I have a message for Eric? No I don't. It's way too early to start talking about my team as if I even know what the hell they are going to do. We have to get out there and see what we have first."

Predictions

YAHOO!: iamchamp over Q's NARB 208-205.

fishsticks: "Q's NARB because Brady is playing Buffalo."

T.O. for president: "I think pigger is gonna get run over by Big Rig...little bit of luck is about to run out!"

G's Mud Butt: "Who cares. It's homo v. homo. We know a homo is going to win."

The Newbie: "I think we see Rick pull off the upset here. I don't know that Steve is going to get enough out of Torry Holt and Beanie Wells to pull this one out."

MANSWEATERS: refused comment

Buff Bagwell's Haircut: "Ric will take down iam a-hole. The combo of the Heart Throb Tom "yeah he bangs Giesele" Brady and MJD will wreck havoc...scoring many a points for Q's NARB. I AM "SAM" doesn't stand a chance."

So will Eric's reunited love affair with Tom Brady spark another championship run or will Conig's union with former Eric farmhand Aaron Rodgers be enough to set the tone in iamchamps favor? Buckle up folks, this might be the matchup of the season.

draft day reactions

(This post is sponsored by thick-thigh'd blondes under center. HIYOO)

Matthew Bruzzese//fishsticks - My receiving core is weak as shit. I took a lot of chances late in the draft and I think that I started strong and drafted terribly in the middle-late rounds. Here's to hoping that no one on my team gets hurt.

Steven Conigliaro//iamchamp - I think it went well from the 6th position. I think I should have targeted a better second quarter back but other than that it is alright. I think Carl actually didn't have that bad of a draft other than the fact that he let Matt Forte fall to fishsticks.

Eric Gawkoski//Q's NARB - I feel like I have a lot of big time players. Definitely took a couple of gambles but I'm confident I will be in the Superbowl again. Look at it this way...I could have passed on Matt Forte and taken Larry Fitzgerald. That would have been awful.

Michael Guglielmo//Buff Bagwell's Haircut - Awesome! Really feel that I drafted a deep team...at all positions...even my bench is looking good...some people I wanted didn't drop to me...but it's all good...very satisfied with my overall draft

Carl Lafranco//MANSWEATERS - I feel that if I take my blackberry out one more time in the South Bronx, I'm going to get jumped. Not only that, everywhere I go I look like a god damn detective under cover. Some dude asked me if I was in the 46 which is the hub down here. [Me: None of that answer's the question about your draft.] What about it? Got some questions at QB and Leon and Bradshaw do work I'm good. [I think that he meant to say "IF Leon.... but there is no predicting Carl so I didn't bother editing it.]

Steven Querolo//G's Mud Butt - I don't know. I suck.

Ralph Ross//T.O. for president - Honestly, I wasn't happy about it. I was sooo fucking busy at work. I got fucked because some kid didn't show up to work so I had to take his work too. I just didn't have a good pulse on the draft. Didn't even see half of the names come off the board. I have 4 billion running backs...some of which are a crap shoot! Some are solid though.

Chris Taddoni//The Newbie - I feel very strong... especially with my starting squad.... I'm a little worried that I drafted to many unproven rookies on potential alone... I hope it does not screw me....because if it turns out that they don't do anything, my team will struggle.

statement from buff bagwell's haircut

This statement has been sent to the AP by Buff Bagwell's Haircut regarding the upcoming matchup with fishsticks:

"Buff's plan is to establish an insurmountable lead against the Gay Fish known as Matthew Bruzzese. Going forward there is only one thing on Buff's mind beside Fish Stick's girlfriend...that Fantasy Trophy!"

live blogging the draft

5:20 pm - Returned from a bbq to Conig, Q, G, Ric and Chris stuffing their faces and trading jabs

5:43 pm - Ric just stole G and Chris' draft sheets and ran into his room. G followed in pursuit but not before farting in Q's face. Draft day folks.

5:45 pm - Q is dancing and trying to find a place to sit. He is fighting with Conig.

5:46 pm - Q claims that Conig is extra dirty and states that he will finish last. Newbie is 99% excited, 1% scared.

Something tells me that he will have a big year.

5:48 pm - Ric has to shit...G looks calm, Chris is emailing, Conig actually is shitting and Q looks like he just sharted.

5:49 pm - Ric has gone on record as saying that if G continues to play with that his I-phone he's going to punch his "fucking face"

Ric just whipped his ass with Q's Jason Witten jersey and Q has attempted to regain control of the worthless jersey.

5:51 pm - Special Guest Nick Werbeck has arrived. Truly a historic draft day.

pre-draft profile: steven "q" querolo

No story, for this (wo)man, is necessary for a picture is worth a thousand words.

Prediction: Last Place.

Thanks for the money big guy.

pre-draft profile: Carl

Never in the history of humanity has one person inspired such love, hatred, joy, anger, envy, pity, lust and disgust. Much like himself, descriptions of those around him are ripe with confusion; bordering on bipolar.

Meghan Kane, who is a longtime staple of Carl's daily self mutilation and the person who introduced Carl to our world some four years ago had this to say about the beautiful mess: "Carl is good hearted but misguided with his actions in most runs of life."

Non-league member Thomas Brower pulled no punches in his description of the boy with hair for nipples; "Bull in a china shop. Oaf. Overwhelming. Relentlessly obnoxious. Clumsy. Goonish. Brute.....Good heart."

Commish Steve Conigliaro described Carl as "an enigma with worse bi-polar schitzo tendencies than Hank and Charlie," also making it a point to add that Carl "owes a lot of people money."

In one word, Mike G. summed up Carl as "dirty," before rushing off to chase the clouds.

While Matthew Bruzzese refused comment, Steve "Hammer" Querolo-Tauber's bitch likened Carl to "a boy trapped in an old man's body."

Carl is successful at polarizing people, but is he successful in fantasy sports? "Arguably the worst fantasy sports participant Yahoo! has ever encountered." Steve Querolo mused before adding, "Honestly, who the fuck takes two pitchers for their first two picks? Need I say more?" Ignoring his own question, Sarah's bitch...actually did say more, "I am still a greenhorn when it comes to fantasy sports and I even wouldn't do some retarded fucked up move like that. Hence his last place position in every league."

While Carl's ineptitude may be true in baseball, the same cannot necessarily be said for football. One of the founding fathers of this Internet fantasy frenzy, Carl has managed 11 teams dating back to 2002. Of those eleven campaigns, Carl has finished 3rd or higher over 50% of the time (6 of 11) including a chip as recently as 2007.

Despite his general success, it would be foolish to ignore the fact that his last two seasons under General Conig's settings, Carl jerked his penis to the tune of a 7th place finish in 2007 and a 5th place finish in 2008. Is this the start of a trend of improvement? Is Carl poised for a big season? "Carl? A big fantasy season? HA! That kid ain't good enough to lick the dirt off my cleats." says Mike G., who inexplicably wears cleats to play fantasy football. "The only thing big Carl has ever been poised for is the penis' he dreams about every night." stated Eric Gawkoski. "Carl is a good kid but he is as useless as tits on Ralph Ross' thigh and he cant handle the pressure, that's it." echoed Matthew Bruzzese

While Carl Lafranco is a man of many words (mostly spelled wrong and used in the wrong situation) with a childlike sense of wonder, chewbacca-like looks, and a thought process that can only be described as outlandish; it is clear that he is being doubted by most. What does a doucheface who often inspires laughs, but rarely inspires confidence do to address his situation? Offering some advice, Meghan Kane said, "[Carl] should avoid any actions involving running or even walking because it won't end well for himself or anyone nearby...now that I think of it, he can't even sit without injury."

Despite the harsh words, kind sentiments and everything in between, one thing is for sure: The unpredictable nature of the man with hair in body parts that most don't know exist has everyone wondering if this be the year where he finally stumbles his way to a fantasy championship?

under construction

I am currently working on making the blog a little easier on the eyes so the site will be changing multiple times over the next couple of days. Deal with it.

Pay Steve.

-Management

pre-draft profile: ralph "ham" ross

(What is in the little red box Little Red Riding Ham?)

Friend. Brother. Son. Boyfriend. Babe. Fan. Employee. Giver. Ralph. He goes by many a name but do you really know who Ralph Ross is?

When my journey began to profile the lovable, chin-strap bearded Yankee fan, I had no idea what I would find. I had no idea what his story would be and after being met with dead end after dead end, my frustration began.

Here is what I do know about Ralph. He loves insurance...like more than anyone in the history of insurance. His affair with insuring people began when later-in-life friend Eric Gawkoski and high school hump buddy Steve "i am champ" Conigliaro introduced him to Tri-State Insurance where he worked for over a year. Ralph had enough and even his love affair with Yims Wok (a local [overrated] Chinese food establishment) was not enough to keep the man-child in the confines of the Jericho based insurance company. As Ralph quit, those around him were perplexed and even upset. "It was hard when [Ralph] left...more so than when that fag Steve left. I really did enjoy my time with [Ralph], I can't lie about that. But fuck that spic [Steve]. I'm coming for that bitch."

In terms of Ralph leaving, Steve echoed the sentiments of Eric Gawkoski: "[Working with Ralph] was a great time, actually. I was a little sad [when he left]...we weren't able to double team Danielle everyday anymore."

After Ralph left Tri-state, he picked up another insurance job before moving on to....you guessed it....a third insurance job. This is where the story blurs. After giving his two weeks notice at the second insurance company, Ralph left for the new position and as quickly as wings disappear in his basement on Sunday afternoons, Ralph was unemployed. Matthew Bruzzese talked to Ralph about the third insurance company and even he could not get answers: "I don't know dude, he said it was bullshit, he said he didn't care, but he didn't really say what happened."

Ralph has seemingly taken this life turn as a blessing. He spends his nights editing video for Major League Baseball and his days doing God knows what. "He's definitely getting ready for the football season," says childhood crush of Ralph, Matthew Bruzzese; "I bet he is making excel spreadsheets and jerking off into a Terrell Owens Jersey all day...but honestly I have no idea what he does all day...stare at a picture of that girlfriend of his...I wonder what she is doing?" Matt pondered before walking away with an evil smile.

Ralph's fantasy life is as murky as his regular life. He currently is the owner of at least two Yahoo! "handles." Participating in baseball this season Ralph logs in under the handle "rossralph." A review of Ralph's football history under "rossralph"revealed the following:

rossralph... has not played any Football Fantasy Games

A source who has requested anonymity due to his proximity to the league has informed us that Ralph particpated in multiple fantasy football leagues dating as far back as 2004 under the moniker "skintacoralph." After searching the Yahoo! database, it appears that our source was right. As for Ralph's fantasy football history...well that is spotty at best.

In 2004, his first fantasy football campaign, Ralph finished 9/10. The terrible showing seemingly scarred Ralph as he did not participate in fantasy football for three years.

In 2007, Ralph returned re-charged and re-focused. Participating in two leagues where he finished 3rd and 4th out of 10 teams. However, against less competition that year, Ralph did not fare so well. While managing in an 8 team league, Ralph finished dead....last.

In what may be a sign of maturity, Ralph did not shy away from football in 2008, again participating in three leagues showing mild success (2/8 and 4/8) as well as another below average campaign (6/10). But now he has changed his name. and no one knows why. Could he be hiding something?

"I don't know what he is hiding," Steve Conigliaro said; "but I'm not worried about him seeing what he has done in baseball this year." So many questions. So few answers. All we know is that the mystery extends beyond fantasy.

Steve "Eat Me Express" Tauber-Querolo tried to shed some light on the situation: "[Ralph has] an arsenal of worthless football knowledge that is going to take him straight to last place, right next to G and [Carl]. But on a serious note, he is really hiding the 'T.O.' that he has shaved into his pubes." Not done yet, Steve Q, in an almost jovial continuation, stated; "[Ralph's] got about the same chance at winning this league as Carl has of drafting a top five baseball team."

What is Ralph? A free spirit looking for his way? Or a cold calculated fantasy murder, looking for his first Yahoo! championship? "He looks like he could be an 80's porn star," says new guy Chris Taddoni. "It doesn't matter if he is a vampire, shape shifter, boy toucher or ESPN fantasy football guru....he's going down like Q's girlfriend on a non-Jewish penis....better yet, he's going down like Trent Edwards on a rainy day," proclaimed Matthew Bruzzese.

The mystery is still there, but one thing is for sure; Ralph can go along way to answering questions and shutting people's mouths with a strong showing in Bunch'a'Tools Fantasy Football 2009.

bi-daily reminders: pay up fuckers; comments

(Sponsored by a football between boobs. Heaven lies beneath the pigskin in the above said picture)

Listen up penis luggages. The draft is rapidly approaching and there are only four people in the league. That is because none of you have paid commish the money. I haven't either but I made this super cool website so I get a pass for the time being. Also I am better at life than all of you, which automatically buys me at least two weeks. I digress. I talked to the woman pictured above and she said you all repulse her but she would consider moving the football if you would pay up. Just saying.

Furthermore, I have heard a lot of comments about posts (specifically G's preview) and such being bandied about by everyone. While it excites me that you dude-skis are into this, I ask that you make some FUCKING comments on the website so we can get the shit talking going. If you want to make an announcement, call a mother fucker out, or just act like an arrogant asshole - simply email it to me and I will post it.

That is all.

-Management.

fantasy profile: Mike G

Webster's dictionary defines "selfish" as devoted to or caring only for oneself; concerned primarily with one's own interests, benefits, welfare, etc. regardless of others. Friends of Mike G seemingly define selfish with a simple glare in his classless direction.

In October of 1983 a wonderful/unfortunate woman gave birth to the unexpected...a full grown man. G did not squirm, crawl or even slide out of the womb. He walked out...with a full beard. You see G was born 4'5'' and grew from there. The pain of birthing a normal sized human was too much for even the strongest woman and the G's decided that "little" Mike was enough.

Growing up an only child, Mike was spoiled with love, attention and gifts. He developed a highly unwavering sense of entitlement which grew into what childhood friend Matt Bruzzese described only as "unimaginable selfishness." What's yours is mine and what's mine is mine - that seemed to be the theory under which G operated. Long time friend Neil Testa on Mike's ability to share: "G Share? Ha." Louis Fretto echoed the sentiment with a laugh, saying "I would have to say it's non existent."

Every video game, every bubble chair, everything he wanted, he got. But did he share? "Never," Matt Bruzzese said; "That son of a bitch even cut his hair like Buff Bagwell one time after meeting the juice head and tried to tell everyone that Buff Bagwell copied HIS haircut. Unreal."

Despite years of taking, keeping, wanting and stealing, it appears that G has found something that he cannot get his grubby giant hands on...a fantasy championship. A search of the Yahoo! database revealed that in three fantasy football seasons over two years (2007/2008) G has not finished higher than third. When questioned, Mike responded that he wanted a fantasy championship "more than I want your girlfriend." Pure class.

It seems that Mr. Me First is the only one who actually thinks a fantasy chip in his future as his fellow league members are not so convinced. "He has about as much [of a] chance [at winning] as you have of taking a solid shit." Eric Gawkoski stated via the Onstar Hotline. Steve "Eat Me Express" Q concurred stating, "The same chance he has every fantasy season. NO CHANCE. And that's on the record, bitch."

Ralph "HAM" Ross was a little bit more diplomatic in his forecast, but that did not stop him from expressing his true feelings: "In this league anybody could beat anybody on any given Sunday. The talent level is so high so you can't underestimate your opponent. [Mike G] will probably finish 7th or 8th just before Carl." Speaking of Carl, the boneheaded bumbling idiot came out of his self-imposed hibernation to say only that it is "highly doubtful" that G will win Fantasy Football in 2009 highlighting that "he doesn't do shit to his team. No trades. No moves." Even new guy Chris Taddoni did not temper his expectations of G's seemingly destined failure stating that "G has about as a good of a chance at winning as the Mets have of beating Cliff Lee today."

After researching this man's life, talking to his friends, delving into his past, and forecasting his future, I can honestly say that I do not think that Mike G is selfish; despite his stated desire to do dirty things to my girlfriend's "medium sized boobs." If anything, I have found him to be quite the opposite...I mean, after all, he is donating $50.00 to Bunch'a'Tools Fantasy Football 2009.

have you seen this man?

Name: Carl La Frank-COOOOOOOOOOOOO.

Alias': French Toast, Crazy Carl, Stupid Idiot, CARL SHUT THE FUCK UP, Dood, Buns, Massa Ass Blasta, Pop-up hitter to panty dropper, Mr. Clutch (at failing), STOMP STOMP, Bro, Last Place Larry, Lucky Loser, Drama Queen, Phantom Boob Grabber, Bleeder, and many more.

Alert: What the French Toast has been MIA like paper planes lately and the public is starting to suspect that he may have had a hand in the death of Jasmine Fiore. Anyone who knows this Axe spraying, fist pumping, injury prone, lovable ball of energy knows that he is capable of no good at any time.

If you know the whereabouts of the devil spawn of Mainland Marian and Lil Wayne -OR- any of you want to pay the $50.00 that you owe for the league then call Commish-Conig ASAP.

it's a cookout bitches

There will be a draft day bbq at 96 Indiana before the draft. If anyone is interested in partaking in some hanging out prior to drafting a team that will probably finish somewhere down south in the standings; then you are more than welcome to join.

rumor: i am champ to get first pick, still have terrible name.

It is no secret to those of you that have done fantasy sports with el commish that he seemingly gets the first pick...all...the...time. Coincidence; he would have you believe but now rumors are flying that a bromance between "i am champ" and little bit of luck himself might have been born from their love of male genitalia as far back as 1998.

After doing a little bit of research (see what I did there); it appears the manlovers celebrated the commish's 26th birthday in Long Beach in April of 2009. Also seen in the photograph is fellow league member Eric (team name: TBD). When asked about his association with the cute couple, Eric denied comment.

Champ's constant spot atop the draft board has irked fellow league members so much so that threats of throwing in the towel prior to the draft have been made. Steve "Eat Me Express " Q was asked about the drafting duo of Champ and luck and his reply was stern: "If he gets footballs (sic) I want my money back." Mike G (team name: TBD) echoed the Express' sentiments: "If he gets it again, I'm going to super kick him HBK style."

It is clear that league-wide rage has already set in despite the fact that we are still over two weeks away from the draft. This is certainly something we here at the blog will keep an eye on as draft day approaches.

In other news the commish has insisted on keeping the generic moniker that he gave himself after a series of fantasy victories. When pressed to change the handle to something new he responded: "But I.....am champ."

I wonder how little bit of luck feels about Champ corn holing all the glory...

an accord has been reached

Despite a select few people (*ahem* Q *ahem* Carl) having their panties in a bunch; the commish has worked hard to get everyone on the same page and his hard work has finally paid off. Draft date is SET: Monday, September 7, 2009 (Labor Day). A special thanks to those who removed the sand from their vaginas allowing this to be possible.

While the time is yet to be announced, setting a date allows all parties to gear up for what will be a truly historic day. For all those who are worried that their busy lives, multiple jobs, girlfriend's parents, pretend social lives, bedtimes, etc. might get in the way of this dick party of fun and yelling; fear not - the draft will take place later on in the evening (sometime after 7:00pm).

From now until draft day, the blog will be active. We will have previews, interviews, and much more.

Pull your boners out boys...it's almost football season.

UPDATE: A special announcement will be made in the coming days concerning draft day. Keep you calenders open and your assholes wide...it's going to be a doozy.

welcome

(This post is sponsored by NY Giants girl - she is single-handedly making me a Giants fan...because if they win, I get to see more of her.)

Well if you are reading this it probably means that you have stumbled upon the official website of Bunch'a'tools Fantasy Football 2009 edition.

Over the course of the season, this site will have many features including but not limited to:

- Preseason previews of each team

- Draft day behind the scenes analysis

- Match up of the week preview

- Interviews with managers

- Optimal Shithead. This will be a feature on the worst manager of the week. It's a working title.

- Much more...

Feel free to use the comment sections on any and all posts for your shit talking needs. If anyone has anything they want posted; be it a picture of someone else, some kind of message to your opponents, etc. simply email it to me at teamfupa@yahoo.com. A link will be posted on the upper right hand corner below the standings.

With that being said....Let the games begin.