matchup of the weak: fishsticks v. nips that cut glass

The 1-2 fishsticks enter their bye-week nightmare by facing the Chris Millen run Nips that Cut Glass (0-3).

The Nips that Cut Glass owner, ignoring his past performances, is steadfast in his belief that his time is coming: "I hate to say it but I think I'm going to get my first win this week."

This confidence is not unlike the rookie manager who has proclaimed greatness every step of his winless season. However, as the adjusted standings show, he has run into some bad luck so maybe his confidence is warranted? "I don't know why that douche is so confident but when it comes to performing on Sunday/Monday, his team has stunk worse than his horribly smelling shits," stated a defiant fishsticks manager.

Current first place manager, Eric Gawkoski had this to say: "If Chris loses, he's done. But this is a huge week for fishsticks too...if you go 1-3 that hurts. It's going to be interesting to see but I think Chris has an edge. The key player of the week is going to be Shaun Hill...that's a lot of insight."

Surprising house guest Anthony V., known as a sage by many, says "I am going with fishsticks...because I know Matt better."

So what will it be, will fishsticks fall further down the standings and drop to a desperation inducing 1-3 or can he recapture his Week 2 magic and right the ship? Fishsticks manager left us with these words, "He may have a good smile and a huge cock, but none of that will matter when I'm fucking his face like Reggie Bush does Kim Kardashian on any given night....and the Jets on Sunday."

new feature: adjusted standings

(this post is sponsored by hot asians getting labia punted.)

If you look to the right underneath the actual standings; I have created the adjusted standings. These standings are based on the total points that the teams have scored...so now you can look at it and bitch about where you would be if we played in a gay boring roto league.

I'm just looking for things to piss Q off at this point.

Observations on Adjusted standings post week 3

- Chris has seemingly run into some bad luck as his team has gotten better with each week and he has played the high score of the week twice.

- Carl has naturally assumed his seemingly fated position at the bottom of the standings. He is still 13 points away from 600; the only team that has not reached that mark yet...simply amazing.

- Ralph has had some good luck, though he did lose to Carl...which is the ultimate cock smack.

- 1 through 3 are in the exact order they should be...as is 6 which is me assuming my seemingly fated position in the middle of the pack.

forthcoming name change: buff no more

Unbeknownst to most of you, G and Q placed a little wager on this weeks match up shortly after the 1 o'clock games started. The bet - If G won, Q had to change his name to something other than "G's Mud Butt;" If Q won, G has to change his name to "I have mud butt."

So without further adieu...I introduce to to you:

I have mud butt

the win that could have been.

(I didn't make the video but the music pretty much turns this video from an 8 to an 11)

Much has been made of Conig's stunning Week 2 victory over Carl by the Bunch'a'tools faithful...but the whole story remains untold. As the savvy ring leader of bunch'a'nigs (then: iamchamp) pointed out to me today, Marion Barber (already with 23 points on the night) was in the midst of a ginormous run with nothing but end zone in his barbarian sights when he appeared to clumsily fall to the ground (seemingly emulating his owner, Carl, on any day that ends in Y). However, unlike Carl's infantile acrobatics in life, it was not retardation that caused Barber's fall but rather a hamstring injury...a hamstring injury that cost Carl at least 6 points (+ whatever yardage was left on the run) and the Week 2 win.

O man, this loss just keeps getting better.

could it be...do we have the a budding anti-dynasty?

Week 1: 192-173 Loss to to Ralph

Week 2: 254-204 Loss to G

Week 3: well on his way to a loss to Ric and securing the title of optimal shithead

The person I am describing is none other than Chris Taddoni aka nips that cut glass. After two moves and one name change, it appears that all Chris "Millen" has done is take baby steps to the path of non-perfection.

Chris' 0-3 start is only highlighted by the genius idea of starting Wes Welker (despite the fact that he hasn't played in one week or practiced in two) and benching a combined 30 points in Knoshown Moreno and LeSean McCoy (two players with names tailor made for Conig's squad).

So here's to you optimal shithead...Carl thanks you for keeping his spot at the bottom of the standings warm.

ap: iamchamp looks forward while looking back.

Taking a hint from yours truly, it appears that Conig has decided to change his team name. Stating that he wanted to distinguish his football team from his baseball team, Conig explained that he also wanted to pay homage to the team that gave him last year's chip. I now introduce to you the team formerly known as iamchamp: bunch'a'nigs.

you've got to be kidding me.

(The match up of the weak did. not. fail.)

The Red Sox from 1918-2003, the Cincinnati Bengals, the Cleveland Browns, the Cubs, Carl Lafranco. What do all of these things have in common? They are unimaginable, incomparable, un-save-able losers. These tormented souls don't just lose but they find new, embarrassing ways to lose day in and day out.

Going into Monday, Carl "MANSWEATERS" Lafranco was the proud owner of a 34 point lead. What stood between Carl and victory? A tight end by the name of Dallas Clark. 9.95 times out of ten; when you go into Monday with a 34 point lead and your opponent has only a tight end playing...you are going to win. But Carl has somehow, someway managed to stumble his way into the .05 percent.

7 receptions, 183 yards and 1 touchdown...36 fantasy points. That, my friends, adds up to an iamchamp victory...improbable as it may have seemed.

After watching Dallas Clark slap his dick down the field with daddy Peyton, an exhausted iamchamp said only:"Don't call it a fucking comeback," before heading into the locker room.

As if that story was not enough, what made this comeback even more impressive/ improbable/ tailor made to happen to Carl is that Indy had the ball for LESS THAN 15 MINUTES ON OFFENSE IN THE ENTIRE GAME. Stop playing fantasy sports Carl...stop gambling. Stop anything you can lose at because chances are you will find a way to do so.

(In light of the 223-221 iamchamp victory, MANSWEATERS gets optimal shithead for Week 2. By leaving Jonathan Stewart's 10 points on the bench (heir go leaving victory on the bench) Carl has become the proud owner of this dumb person award. Congrats "bro.")

week 2 recap

(This week's recap is sponsored by Jeter's fucktoy Minka Kelly. Why? Well if you are asking that you are gay, but I will indulge your Andy Benard-ness and tell you it's because she plays a cheerleader on a football show....and she is smoking hot.)

Not that anyone but Ric reads this but this week was hectic between becoming a lawyer (officially) and getting sick so all features are going to be short

Optimal Shithead Week 1 - iamchamp, because he said it should be him. To be honest I didn't realize I had to look at the stat tracker Monday night because it changes with the add/drops that people make on Tuesday. Moreover, apparently the match up feature on the league homepage doesn't feature benches. So congrats Steve, you win by default. Week 2's will have better analysis.

Match up of the Weak - MANSWEATERS v. iamchamp. iamchamp had high hopes coming into this season and MANSWEATERS...well he had aspirations of not finishing last. Unfortunately for both, Week 1 was not kind to their hopes and aspirations.

- iamchamp could have (or maybe not) managed victory from the jaws of defeat in Week 1. (I have just been too lazy to figure it out but regardless he ran into buzzsaw in points leader Q'sNARB - FYI iamchamp, Tom Brady did beat you).

- Carl picked up right where he left off in baseball, hockey, basketball, 2008 football...life. DEAD LAST.

So what does Week 2 bring these fierce competitors? Will Conig get back on track towards our first modern day fantasy dynasty and keep Carl in the basement? or will Carl pull a Buster Douglas...All I know? any. given. Sunday.

Match up of the Week - fishsticks v. Q's NARB. Roommates. Friends. Lovers. (What??) A battle for house supremacy could lead to an awkward work week for the two buddies. "Wait till Monday night," said NARB while fishsticks replied: "I won't have to wait till Monday night to lock this week down."

fishsticks manager Matthew Bruzzese has made headlines this week by announcing a forthcoming hiatus from fantasy sports after the completion of this fantasy football season...but can he go out with a bang? or will he continue his path of fantasy mediocrity? Starting Week 2 with an 0-1 record and having to play against a perennial powerhouse does not bode well for the fiery, impatient move maker.

statement from iamchamp: yahoo rules

http://help.yahoo.com/l/us/yahoo/football/scoring/football-75.html;_ylt=Ai9gy5D6uSOVJ6KOr9WIp7YClSN4

"Please Note: Points scored against the team's offensive unit (e.g.,

interception and fumble returns for TDs, and safeties) are not counted

in the Points Allowed category."

I want my god damn 7 extra points yahoo, you fucks, AND I WANT THEM NOW!

Please allow me to clarify. Iamchamp has the NY Jets Defense. According to stattracker the jets Defense got 13 points (including 7 fantasy points for allowing 7-13 points in the game). Had Stattracker counted the actual points allowed by the Jets Defense (0) then Iamchamp would have been entitled to 14 fantasy points. Did that change the outcome? No. His managing did that...but it might matter as this figures to be a high scoring league with plenty of points to go around.

opening day thoughts

So week 1 of the NFL season started with a sloppy mess of a game...unfortunately for one Bunch'a'tools team, that mess has put him in an early hole against one of his biggest life rivals. Fishsticks was and is hoping for a big season out of Willie Parker, but with his point total equaling the amount of games played on the NFL regular season, it sounds as if fishsticks is conceding the week.

"I fucking hate G in general but I am not worried about Fast Willie's slow start. G has a tendancy in life to come out of the gates like a bull on parade but that doesnt stop him from gasing out midseason,"

But does the sticks manager think his week is over?

"Hell. fucking. no. Even with his wide receiver forgetting that he is a dope head that choke artist's will eat a dick like it was a Wednesday night with Boosh."

Strong words from someone with a big hill to climb.

matchup of the week: q's narb v. iamchamp

(Week 1's Matchup of the week is sponsored by female gang tackles leading to boob grabs.)

Picking the Matchup.

Picking this week's "Matchup of the Week" is probably as easy as it is going to get. Since the Marlow based league started in 2007, these two teams have met in the Superbowl every year laying the groundwork for the fiercest rivalry that this league has ever seen.

History

In 2007's championship game Eric aka Q's NARB (then:The Brady Bunch) defeated Conig aka iamchamp (then: Theta) 387-349 to take home the chip. Focused on avenging his loss, Conig (then: Whattanigger) returned the favor in 2008 when he defeated Eric (then:The Champ is Here) 227-226 in what has been ruled a chip for the ages.

The rich history of these two juggernauts does not stop in the fantasy playoffs. When facing each other head to head since 2007, they both own a record of two wins/two losses with Conig holding a slight overall scoring lead (1051-986). If history has told us anything, it is that this is going to be a bloodbath to kick of the 2009 campaign.

Interviewing the players:

On starting the season against each other.

Eric (Q's NARB): "I think it's great for the fans that the two best teams the previous two seasons go at it. Let's face it, me playing Q in week one wouldn't really let the people know that the season is starting.

Conig (iamchamp): "Well traditionally in football the defending championship game participants start the NFL season so I think it makes sense...you know?"

Message for opponent

Eric (Q's NARB): "Message is simple: I'm going to win. If not, he cheated."

Conig (iamchamp): "Do I have a message for Eric? No I don't. It's way too early to start talking about my team as if I even know what the hell they are going to do. We have to get out there and see what we have first."

Predictions

YAHOO!: iamchamp over Q's NARB 208-205.

fishsticks: "Q's NARB because Brady is playing Buffalo."

T.O. for president: "I think pigger is gonna get run over by Big Rig...little bit of luck is about to run out!"

G's Mud Butt: "Who cares. It's homo v. homo. We know a homo is going to win."

The Newbie: "I think we see Rick pull off the upset here. I don't know that Steve is going to get enough out of Torry Holt and Beanie Wells to pull this one out."

MANSWEATERS: refused comment

Buff Bagwell's Haircut: "Ric will take down iam a-hole. The combo of the Heart Throb Tom "yeah he bangs Giesele" Brady and MJD will wreck havoc...scoring many a points for Q's NARB. I AM "SAM" doesn't stand a chance."

So will Eric's reunited love affair with Tom Brady spark another championship run or will Conig's union with former Eric farmhand Aaron Rodgers be enough to set the tone in iamchamps favor? Buckle up folks, this might be the matchup of the season.

draft day reactions

(This post is sponsored by thick-thigh'd blondes under center. HIYOO)

Matthew Bruzzese//fishsticks - My receiving core is weak as shit. I took a lot of chances late in the draft and I think that I started strong and drafted terribly in the middle-late rounds. Here's to hoping that no one on my team gets hurt.

Steven Conigliaro//iamchamp - I think it went well from the 6th position. I think I should have targeted a better second quarter back but other than that it is alright. I think Carl actually didn't have that bad of a draft other than the fact that he let Matt Forte fall to fishsticks.

Eric Gawkoski//Q's NARB - I feel like I have a lot of big time players. Definitely took a couple of gambles but I'm confident I will be in the Superbowl again. Look at it this way...I could have passed on Matt Forte and taken Larry Fitzgerald. That would have been awful.

Michael Guglielmo//Buff Bagwell's Haircut - Awesome! Really feel that I drafted a deep team...at all positions...even my bench is looking good...some people I wanted didn't drop to me...but it's all good...very satisfied with my overall draft

Carl Lafranco//MANSWEATERS - I feel that if I take my blackberry out one more time in the South Bronx, I'm going to get jumped. Not only that, everywhere I go I look like a god damn detective under cover. Some dude asked me if I was in the 46 which is the hub down here. [Me: None of that answer's the question about your draft.] What about it? Got some questions at QB and Leon and Bradshaw do work I'm good. [I think that he meant to say "IF Leon.... but there is no predicting Carl so I didn't bother editing it.]

Steven Querolo//G's Mud Butt - I don't know. I suck.

Ralph Ross//T.O. for president - Honestly, I wasn't happy about it. I was sooo fucking busy at work. I got fucked because some kid didn't show up to work so I had to take his work too. I just didn't have a good pulse on the draft. Didn't even see half of the names come off the board. I have 4 billion running backs...some of which are a crap shoot! Some are solid though.

Chris Taddoni//The Newbie - I feel very strong... especially with my starting squad.... I'm a little worried that I drafted to many unproven rookies on potential alone... I hope it does not screw me....because if it turns out that they don't do anything, my team will struggle.

statement from buff bagwell's haircut

This statement has been sent to the AP by Buff Bagwell's Haircut regarding the upcoming matchup with fishsticks:

"Buff's plan is to establish an insurmountable lead against the Gay Fish known as Matthew Bruzzese. Going forward there is only one thing on Buff's mind beside Fish Stick's girlfriend...that Fantasy Trophy!"

live blogging the draft

5:20 pm - Returned from a bbq to Conig, Q, G, Ric and Chris stuffing their faces and trading jabs

5:43 pm - Ric just stole G and Chris' draft sheets and ran into his room. G followed in pursuit but not before farting in Q's face. Draft day folks.

5:45 pm - Q is dancing and trying to find a place to sit. He is fighting with Conig.

5:46 pm - Q claims that Conig is extra dirty and states that he will finish last. Newbie is 99% excited, 1% scared.

Something tells me that he will have a big year.

5:48 pm - Ric has to shit...G looks calm, Chris is emailing, Conig actually is shitting and Q looks like he just sharted.

5:49 pm - Ric has gone on record as saying that if G continues to play with that his I-phone he's going to punch his "fucking face"

Ric just whipped his ass with Q's Jason Witten jersey and Q has attempted to regain control of the worthless jersey.

5:51 pm - Special Guest Nick Werbeck has arrived. Truly a historic draft day.

pre-draft profile: steven "q" querolo

No story, for this (wo)man, is necessary for a picture is worth a thousand words.

Prediction: Last Place.

Thanks for the money big guy.

pre-draft profile: Carl

Never in the history of humanity has one person inspired such love, hatred, joy, anger, envy, pity, lust and disgust. Much like himself, descriptions of those around him are ripe with confusion; bordering on bipolar.

Meghan Kane, who is a longtime staple of Carl's daily self mutilation and the person who introduced Carl to our world some four years ago had this to say about the beautiful mess: "Carl is good hearted but misguided with his actions in most runs of life."

Non-league member Thomas Brower pulled no punches in his description of the boy with hair for nipples; "Bull in a china shop. Oaf. Overwhelming. Relentlessly obnoxious. Clumsy. Goonish. Brute.....Good heart."

Commish Steve Conigliaro described Carl as "an enigma with worse bi-polar schitzo tendencies than Hank and Charlie," also making it a point to add that Carl "owes a lot of people money."

In one word, Mike G. summed up Carl as "dirty," before rushing off to chase the clouds.

While Matthew Bruzzese refused comment, Steve "Hammer" Querolo-Tauber's bitch likened Carl to "a boy trapped in an old man's body."

Carl is successful at polarizing people, but is he successful in fantasy sports? "Arguably the worst fantasy sports participant Yahoo! has ever encountered." Steve Querolo mused before adding, "Honestly, who the fuck takes two pitchers for their first two picks? Need I say more?" Ignoring his own question, Sarah's bitch...actually did say more, "I am still a greenhorn when it comes to fantasy sports and I even wouldn't do some retarded fucked up move like that. Hence his last place position in every league."

While Carl's ineptitude may be true in baseball, the same cannot necessarily be said for football. One of the founding fathers of this Internet fantasy frenzy, Carl has managed 11 teams dating back to 2002. Of those eleven campaigns, Carl has finished 3rd or higher over 50% of the time (6 of 11) including a chip as recently as 2007.

Despite his general success, it would be foolish to ignore the fact that his last two seasons under General Conig's settings, Carl jerked his penis to the tune of a 7th place finish in 2007 and a 5th place finish in 2008. Is this the start of a trend of improvement? Is Carl poised for a big season? "Carl? A big fantasy season? HA! That kid ain't good enough to lick the dirt off my cleats." says Mike G., who inexplicably wears cleats to play fantasy football. "The only thing big Carl has ever been poised for is the penis' he dreams about every night." stated Eric Gawkoski. "Carl is a good kid but he is as useless as tits on Ralph Ross' thigh and he cant handle the pressure, that's it." echoed Matthew Bruzzese

While Carl Lafranco is a man of many words (mostly spelled wrong and used in the wrong situation) with a childlike sense of wonder, chewbacca-like looks, and a thought process that can only be described as outlandish; it is clear that he is being doubted by most. What does a doucheface who often inspires laughs, but rarely inspires confidence do to address his situation? Offering some advice, Meghan Kane said, "[Carl] should avoid any actions involving running or even walking because it won't end well for himself or anyone nearby...now that I think of it, he can't even sit without injury."

Despite the harsh words, kind sentiments and everything in between, one thing is for sure: The unpredictable nature of the man with hair in body parts that most don't know exist has everyone wondering if this be the year where he finally stumbles his way to a fantasy championship?