Webster's dictionary defines "selfish" as devoted to or caring only for oneself; concerned primarily with one's own interests, benefits, welfare, etc. regardless of others. Friends of Mike G seemingly define selfish with a simple glare in his classless direction.
In October of 1983 a wonderful/unfortunate woman gave birth to the unexpected...a full grown man. G did not squirm, crawl or even slide out of the womb. He walked out...with a full beard. You see G was born 4'5'' and grew from there. The pain of birthing a normal sized human was too much for even the strongest woman and the G's decided that "little" Mike was enough.
Growing up an only child, Mike was spoiled with love, attention and gifts. He developed a highly unwavering sense of entitlement which grew into what childhood friend Matt Bruzzese described only as "unimaginable selfishness." What's yours is mine and what's mine is mine - that seemed to be the theory under which G operated. Long time friend Neil Testa on Mike's ability to share: "G Share? Ha." Louis Fretto echoed the sentiment with a laugh, saying "I would have to say it's non existent."
Every video game, every bubble chair, everything he wanted, he got. But did he share? "Never," Matt Bruzzese said; "That son of a bitch even cut his hair like Buff Bagwell one time after meeting the juice head and tried to tell everyone that Buff Bagwell copied HIS haircut. Unreal."
Despite years of taking, keeping, wanting and stealing, it appears that G has found something that he cannot get his grubby giant hands on...a fantasy championship. A search of the Yahoo! database revealed that in three fantasy football seasons over two years (2007/2008) G has not finished higher than third. When questioned, Mike responded that he wanted a fantasy championship "more than I want your girlfriend." Pure class.
It seems that Mr. Me First is the only one who actually thinks a fantasy chip in his future as his fellow league members are not so convinced. "He has about as much [of a] chance [at winning] as you have of taking a solid shit." Eric Gawkoski stated via the Onstar Hotline. Steve "Eat Me Express" Q concurred stating, "The same chance he has every fantasy season. NO CHANCE. And that's on the record, bitch."
Ralph "HAM" Ross was a little bit more diplomatic in his forecast, but that did not stop him from expressing his true feelings: "In this league anybody could beat anybody on any given Sunday. The talent level is so high so you can't underestimate your opponent. [Mike G] will probably finish 7th or 8th just before Carl." Speaking of Carl, the boneheaded bumbling idiot came out of his self-imposed hibernation to say only that it is "highly doubtful" that G will win Fantasy Football in 2009 highlighting that "he doesn't do shit to his team. No trades. No moves." Even new guy Chris Taddoni did not temper his expectations of G's seemingly destined failure stating that "G has about as a good of a chance at winning as the Mets have of beating Cliff Lee today."
After researching this man's life, talking to his friends, delving into his past, and forecasting his future, I can honestly say that I do not think that Mike G is selfish; despite his stated desire to do dirty things to my girlfriend's "medium sized boobs." If anything, I have found him to be quite the opposite...I mean, after all, he is donating $50.00 to Bunch'a'Tools Fantasy Football 2009.
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