pre-draft profile: Carl

Never in the history of humanity has one person inspired such love, hatred, joy, anger, envy, pity, lust and disgust. Much like himself, descriptions of those around him are ripe with confusion; bordering on bipolar.

Meghan Kane, who is a longtime staple of Carl's daily self mutilation and the person who introduced Carl to our world some four years ago had this to say about the beautiful mess: "Carl is good hearted but misguided with his actions in most runs of life."

Non-league member Thomas Brower pulled no punches in his description of the boy with hair for nipples; "Bull in a china shop. Oaf. Overwhelming. Relentlessly obnoxious. Clumsy. Goonish. Brute.....Good heart."

Commish Steve Conigliaro described Carl as "an enigma with worse bi-polar schitzo tendencies than Hank and Charlie," also making it a point to add that Carl "owes a lot of people money."

In one word, Mike G. summed up Carl as "dirty," before rushing off to chase the clouds.

While Matthew Bruzzese refused comment, Steve "Hammer" Querolo-Tauber's bitch likened Carl to "a boy trapped in an old man's body."

Carl is successful at polarizing people, but is he successful in fantasy sports? "Arguably the worst fantasy sports participant Yahoo! has ever encountered." Steve Querolo mused before adding, "Honestly, who the fuck takes two pitchers for their first two picks? Need I say more?" Ignoring his own question, Sarah's bitch...actually did say more, "I am still a greenhorn when it comes to fantasy sports and I even wouldn't do some retarded fucked up move like that. Hence his last place position in every league."

While Carl's ineptitude may be true in baseball, the same cannot necessarily be said for football. One of the founding fathers of this Internet fantasy frenzy, Carl has managed 11 teams dating back to 2002. Of those eleven campaigns, Carl has finished 3rd or higher over 50% of the time (6 of 11) including a chip as recently as 2007.

Despite his general success, it would be foolish to ignore the fact that his last two seasons under General Conig's settings, Carl jerked his penis to the tune of a 7th place finish in 2007 and a 5th place finish in 2008. Is this the start of a trend of improvement? Is Carl poised for a big season? "Carl? A big fantasy season? HA! That kid ain't good enough to lick the dirt off my cleats." says Mike G., who inexplicably wears cleats to play fantasy football. "The only thing big Carl has ever been poised for is the penis' he dreams about every night." stated Eric Gawkoski. "Carl is a good kid but he is as useless as tits on Ralph Ross' thigh and he cant handle the pressure, that's it." echoed Matthew Bruzzese

While Carl Lafranco is a man of many words (mostly spelled wrong and used in the wrong situation) with a childlike sense of wonder, chewbacca-like looks, and a thought process that can only be described as outlandish; it is clear that he is being doubted by most. What does a doucheface who often inspires laughs, but rarely inspires confidence do to address his situation? Offering some advice, Meghan Kane said, "[Carl] should avoid any actions involving running or even walking because it won't end well for himself or anyone nearby...now that I think of it, he can't even sit without injury."

Despite the harsh words, kind sentiments and everything in between, one thing is for sure: The unpredictable nature of the man with hair in body parts that most don't know exist has everyone wondering if this be the year where he finally stumbles his way to a fantasy championship?