new feature: doodie chat

I decided that at the beginning-middle of each week I am going to ask for a quick statement from everyone about their upcoming opponent in an effort to jump start the hatred and smack talk:

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RIC v. RALPH

Ralph - No comment...this team needs to focus on execution and just making plays. Can't worry about the numbers on the backs of the jerseys on the other side of the ball.

Ric - It doesn't even matter [who I am playing] I got the best team in the league. I'm going to beat said team down. Ralph, Dick, Bobby, Tom...it doesn't matter.

(how fucking noble of you Ralph. Way to step up and be a man. Keep your pansy shit for your other football leagues. Take your panties off for this one, choir boy.)

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Q v. CHRIS

Q - Me: any messages for your opponent this week? Q: Yeah. Thanks for pushing me into second place.

Chris - He is running into a hot team. Both on the field and off. He is screwed.

(That is what I'm fucking talking about)

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CONIG v. G

Conig - suck a dick, no homo.

G - I will be sending that Mexican back across the border in a body bag. Fack Steve...Fack his dumb team...fack his dumb face...fack MEXICO.

(who didn't see that coming.)

Update: Seemingly taking offense to my little add on there; G issued a further statement directed at yours truly: You know what you won't see coming...my fucking roundhouse across your stupid face when I walk in the door tonight you son of a bitch.

(At least he stopped spelling fuck - "fack" - right? right?)

forthcoming name change: buff no more

Unbeknownst to most of you, G and Q placed a little wager on this weeks match up shortly after the 1 o'clock games started. The bet - If G won, Q had to change his name to something other than "G's Mud Butt;" If Q won, G has to change his name to "I have mud butt."

So without further adieu...I introduce to to you:

I have mud butt

could it be...do we have the a budding anti-dynasty?

Week 1: 192-173 Loss to to Ralph

Week 2: 254-204 Loss to G

Week 3: well on his way to a loss to Ric and securing the title of optimal shithead

The person I am describing is none other than Chris Taddoni aka nips that cut glass. After two moves and one name change, it appears that all Chris "Millen" has done is take baby steps to the path of non-perfection.

Chris' 0-3 start is only highlighted by the genius idea of starting Wes Welker (despite the fact that he hasn't played in one week or practiced in two) and benching a combined 30 points in Knoshown Moreno and LeSean McCoy (two players with names tailor made for Conig's squad).

So here's to you optimal shithead...Carl thanks you for keeping his spot at the bottom of the standings warm.

opening day thoughts

So week 1 of the NFL season started with a sloppy mess of a game...unfortunately for one Bunch'a'tools team, that mess has put him in an early hole against one of his biggest life rivals. Fishsticks was and is hoping for a big season out of Willie Parker, but with his point total equaling the amount of games played on the NFL regular season, it sounds as if fishsticks is conceding the week.

"I fucking hate G in general but I am not worried about Fast Willie's slow start. G has a tendancy in life to come out of the gates like a bull on parade but that doesnt stop him from gasing out midseason,"

But does the sticks manager think his week is over?

"Hell. fucking. no. Even with his wide receiver forgetting that he is a dope head that choke artist's will eat a dick like it was a Wednesday night with Boosh."

Strong words from someone with a big hill to climb.

draft day reactions

(This post is sponsored by thick-thigh'd blondes under center. HIYOO)

Matthew Bruzzese//fishsticks - My receiving core is weak as shit. I took a lot of chances late in the draft and I think that I started strong and drafted terribly in the middle-late rounds. Here's to hoping that no one on my team gets hurt.

Steven Conigliaro//iamchamp - I think it went well from the 6th position. I think I should have targeted a better second quarter back but other than that it is alright. I think Carl actually didn't have that bad of a draft other than the fact that he let Matt Forte fall to fishsticks.

Eric Gawkoski//Q's NARB - I feel like I have a lot of big time players. Definitely took a couple of gambles but I'm confident I will be in the Superbowl again. Look at it this way...I could have passed on Matt Forte and taken Larry Fitzgerald. That would have been awful.

Michael Guglielmo//Buff Bagwell's Haircut - Awesome! Really feel that I drafted a deep team...at all positions...even my bench is looking good...some people I wanted didn't drop to me...but it's all good...very satisfied with my overall draft

Carl Lafranco//MANSWEATERS - I feel that if I take my blackberry out one more time in the South Bronx, I'm going to get jumped. Not only that, everywhere I go I look like a god damn detective under cover. Some dude asked me if I was in the 46 which is the hub down here. [Me: None of that answer's the question about your draft.] What about it? Got some questions at QB and Leon and Bradshaw do work I'm good. [I think that he meant to say "IF Leon.... but there is no predicting Carl so I didn't bother editing it.]

Steven Querolo//G's Mud Butt - I don't know. I suck.

Ralph Ross//T.O. for president - Honestly, I wasn't happy about it. I was sooo fucking busy at work. I got fucked because some kid didn't show up to work so I had to take his work too. I just didn't have a good pulse on the draft. Didn't even see half of the names come off the board. I have 4 billion running backs...some of which are a crap shoot! Some are solid though.

Chris Taddoni//The Newbie - I feel very strong... especially with my starting squad.... I'm a little worried that I drafted to many unproven rookies on potential alone... I hope it does not screw me....because if it turns out that they don't do anything, my team will struggle.

statement from buff bagwell's haircut

This statement has been sent to the AP by Buff Bagwell's Haircut regarding the upcoming matchup with fishsticks:

"Buff's plan is to establish an insurmountable lead against the Gay Fish known as Matthew Bruzzese. Going forward there is only one thing on Buff's mind beside Fish Stick's girlfriend...that Fantasy Trophy!"

fantasy profile: Mike G

Webster's dictionary defines "selfish" as devoted to or caring only for oneself; concerned primarily with one's own interests, benefits, welfare, etc. regardless of others. Friends of Mike G seemingly define selfish with a simple glare in his classless direction.

In October of 1983 a wonderful/unfortunate woman gave birth to the unexpected...a full grown man. G did not squirm, crawl or even slide out of the womb. He walked out...with a full beard. You see G was born 4'5'' and grew from there. The pain of birthing a normal sized human was too much for even the strongest woman and the G's decided that "little" Mike was enough.

Growing up an only child, Mike was spoiled with love, attention and gifts. He developed a highly unwavering sense of entitlement which grew into what childhood friend Matt Bruzzese described only as "unimaginable selfishness." What's yours is mine and what's mine is mine - that seemed to be the theory under which G operated. Long time friend Neil Testa on Mike's ability to share: "G Share? Ha." Louis Fretto echoed the sentiment with a laugh, saying "I would have to say it's non existent."

Every video game, every bubble chair, everything he wanted, he got. But did he share? "Never," Matt Bruzzese said; "That son of a bitch even cut his hair like Buff Bagwell one time after meeting the juice head and tried to tell everyone that Buff Bagwell copied HIS haircut. Unreal."

Despite years of taking, keeping, wanting and stealing, it appears that G has found something that he cannot get his grubby giant hands on...a fantasy championship. A search of the Yahoo! database revealed that in three fantasy football seasons over two years (2007/2008) G has not finished higher than third. When questioned, Mike responded that he wanted a fantasy championship "more than I want your girlfriend." Pure class.

It seems that Mr. Me First is the only one who actually thinks a fantasy chip in his future as his fellow league members are not so convinced. "He has about as much [of a] chance [at winning] as you have of taking a solid shit." Eric Gawkoski stated via the Onstar Hotline. Steve "Eat Me Express" Q concurred stating, "The same chance he has every fantasy season. NO CHANCE. And that's on the record, bitch."

Ralph "HAM" Ross was a little bit more diplomatic in his forecast, but that did not stop him from expressing his true feelings: "In this league anybody could beat anybody on any given Sunday. The talent level is so high so you can't underestimate your opponent. [Mike G] will probably finish 7th or 8th just before Carl." Speaking of Carl, the boneheaded bumbling idiot came out of his self-imposed hibernation to say only that it is "highly doubtful" that G will win Fantasy Football in 2009 highlighting that "he doesn't do shit to his team. No trades. No moves." Even new guy Chris Taddoni did not temper his expectations of G's seemingly destined failure stating that "G has about as a good of a chance at winning as the Mets have of beating Cliff Lee today."

After researching this man's life, talking to his friends, delving into his past, and forecasting his future, I can honestly say that I do not think that Mike G is selfish; despite his stated desire to do dirty things to my girlfriend's "medium sized boobs." If anything, I have found him to be quite the opposite...I mean, after all, he is donating $50.00 to Bunch'a'Tools Fantasy Football 2009.