new feature: doodie chat

I decided that at the beginning-middle of each week I am going to ask for a quick statement from everyone about their upcoming opponent in an effort to jump start the hatred and smack talk:

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RIC v. RALPH

Ralph - No comment...this team needs to focus on execution and just making plays. Can't worry about the numbers on the backs of the jerseys on the other side of the ball.

Ric - It doesn't even matter [who I am playing] I got the best team in the league. I'm going to beat said team down. Ralph, Dick, Bobby, Tom...it doesn't matter.

(how fucking noble of you Ralph. Way to step up and be a man. Keep your pansy shit for your other football leagues. Take your panties off for this one, choir boy.)

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Q v. CHRIS

Q - Me: any messages for your opponent this week? Q: Yeah. Thanks for pushing me into second place.

Chris - He is running into a hot team. Both on the field and off. He is screwed.

(That is what I'm fucking talking about)

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CONIG v. G

Conig - suck a dick, no homo.

G - I will be sending that Mexican back across the border in a body bag. Fack Steve...Fack his dumb team...fack his dumb face...fack MEXICO.

(who didn't see that coming.)

Update: Seemingly taking offense to my little add on there; G issued a further statement directed at yours truly: You know what you won't see coming...my fucking roundhouse across your stupid face when I walk in the door tonight you son of a bitch.

(At least he stopped spelling fuck - "fack" - right? right?)

week 2 recap

(This week's recap is sponsored by Jeter's fucktoy Minka Kelly. Why? Well if you are asking that you are gay, but I will indulge your Andy Benard-ness and tell you it's because she plays a cheerleader on a football show....and she is smoking hot.)

Not that anyone but Ric reads this but this week was hectic between becoming a lawyer (officially) and getting sick so all features are going to be short

Optimal Shithead Week 1 - iamchamp, because he said it should be him. To be honest I didn't realize I had to look at the stat tracker Monday night because it changes with the add/drops that people make on Tuesday. Moreover, apparently the match up feature on the league homepage doesn't feature benches. So congrats Steve, you win by default. Week 2's will have better analysis.

Match up of the Weak - MANSWEATERS v. iamchamp. iamchamp had high hopes coming into this season and MANSWEATERS...well he had aspirations of not finishing last. Unfortunately for both, Week 1 was not kind to their hopes and aspirations.

- iamchamp could have (or maybe not) managed victory from the jaws of defeat in Week 1. (I have just been too lazy to figure it out but regardless he ran into buzzsaw in points leader Q'sNARB - FYI iamchamp, Tom Brady did beat you).

- Carl picked up right where he left off in baseball, hockey, basketball, 2008 football...life. DEAD LAST.

So what does Week 2 bring these fierce competitors? Will Conig get back on track towards our first modern day fantasy dynasty and keep Carl in the basement? or will Carl pull a Buster Douglas...All I know? any. given. Sunday.

Match up of the Week - fishsticks v. Q's NARB. Roommates. Friends. Lovers. (What??) A battle for house supremacy could lead to an awkward work week for the two buddies. "Wait till Monday night," said NARB while fishsticks replied: "I won't have to wait till Monday night to lock this week down."

fishsticks manager Matthew Bruzzese has made headlines this week by announcing a forthcoming hiatus from fantasy sports after the completion of this fantasy football season...but can he go out with a bang? or will he continue his path of fantasy mediocrity? Starting Week 2 with an 0-1 record and having to play against a perennial powerhouse does not bode well for the fiery, impatient move maker.

matchup of the week: q's narb v. iamchamp

(Week 1's Matchup of the week is sponsored by female gang tackles leading to boob grabs.)

Picking the Matchup.

Picking this week's "Matchup of the Week" is probably as easy as it is going to get. Since the Marlow based league started in 2007, these two teams have met in the Superbowl every year laying the groundwork for the fiercest rivalry that this league has ever seen.

History

In 2007's championship game Eric aka Q's NARB (then:The Brady Bunch) defeated Conig aka iamchamp (then: Theta) 387-349 to take home the chip. Focused on avenging his loss, Conig (then: Whattanigger) returned the favor in 2008 when he defeated Eric (then:The Champ is Here) 227-226 in what has been ruled a chip for the ages.

The rich history of these two juggernauts does not stop in the fantasy playoffs. When facing each other head to head since 2007, they both own a record of two wins/two losses with Conig holding a slight overall scoring lead (1051-986). If history has told us anything, it is that this is going to be a bloodbath to kick of the 2009 campaign.

Interviewing the players:

On starting the season against each other.

Eric (Q's NARB): "I think it's great for the fans that the two best teams the previous two seasons go at it. Let's face it, me playing Q in week one wouldn't really let the people know that the season is starting.

Conig (iamchamp): "Well traditionally in football the defending championship game participants start the NFL season so I think it makes sense...you know?"

Message for opponent

Eric (Q's NARB): "Message is simple: I'm going to win. If not, he cheated."

Conig (iamchamp): "Do I have a message for Eric? No I don't. It's way too early to start talking about my team as if I even know what the hell they are going to do. We have to get out there and see what we have first."

Predictions

YAHOO!: iamchamp over Q's NARB 208-205.

fishsticks: "Q's NARB because Brady is playing Buffalo."

T.O. for president: "I think pigger is gonna get run over by Big Rig...little bit of luck is about to run out!"

G's Mud Butt: "Who cares. It's homo v. homo. We know a homo is going to win."

The Newbie: "I think we see Rick pull off the upset here. I don't know that Steve is going to get enough out of Torry Holt and Beanie Wells to pull this one out."

MANSWEATERS: refused comment

Buff Bagwell's Haircut: "Ric will take down iam a-hole. The combo of the Heart Throb Tom "yeah he bangs Giesele" Brady and MJD will wreck havoc...scoring many a points for Q's NARB. I AM "SAM" doesn't stand a chance."

So will Eric's reunited love affair with Tom Brady spark another championship run or will Conig's union with former Eric farmhand Aaron Rodgers be enough to set the tone in iamchamps favor? Buckle up folks, this might be the matchup of the season.

draft day reactions

(This post is sponsored by thick-thigh'd blondes under center. HIYOO)

Matthew Bruzzese//fishsticks - My receiving core is weak as shit. I took a lot of chances late in the draft and I think that I started strong and drafted terribly in the middle-late rounds. Here's to hoping that no one on my team gets hurt.

Steven Conigliaro//iamchamp - I think it went well from the 6th position. I think I should have targeted a better second quarter back but other than that it is alright. I think Carl actually didn't have that bad of a draft other than the fact that he let Matt Forte fall to fishsticks.

Eric Gawkoski//Q's NARB - I feel like I have a lot of big time players. Definitely took a couple of gambles but I'm confident I will be in the Superbowl again. Look at it this way...I could have passed on Matt Forte and taken Larry Fitzgerald. That would have been awful.

Michael Guglielmo//Buff Bagwell's Haircut - Awesome! Really feel that I drafted a deep team...at all positions...even my bench is looking good...some people I wanted didn't drop to me...but it's all good...very satisfied with my overall draft

Carl Lafranco//MANSWEATERS - I feel that if I take my blackberry out one more time in the South Bronx, I'm going to get jumped. Not only that, everywhere I go I look like a god damn detective under cover. Some dude asked me if I was in the 46 which is the hub down here. [Me: None of that answer's the question about your draft.] What about it? Got some questions at QB and Leon and Bradshaw do work I'm good. [I think that he meant to say "IF Leon.... but there is no predicting Carl so I didn't bother editing it.]

Steven Querolo//G's Mud Butt - I don't know. I suck.

Ralph Ross//T.O. for president - Honestly, I wasn't happy about it. I was sooo fucking busy at work. I got fucked because some kid didn't show up to work so I had to take his work too. I just didn't have a good pulse on the draft. Didn't even see half of the names come off the board. I have 4 billion running backs...some of which are a crap shoot! Some are solid though.

Chris Taddoni//The Newbie - I feel very strong... especially with my starting squad.... I'm a little worried that I drafted to many unproven rookies on potential alone... I hope it does not screw me....because if it turns out that they don't do anything, my team will struggle.