matchup of the weak:

As. Simple. As. It. Gets. The past two match up of the weaks have been amazing...Can these two unworthy competitors keep it going?

The current last place team v. the perennial last place team.

(Sad as it is, I run this blog and yet I've had to pick myself in two, count 'em TWO, match ups of the weak.)

On the season fishsticks has the second lowest point total (994) and has broken Carl's dream weight (200) only twice on the season. Patience finally gave way to rash decision making as fishsticks has increased the roster moves exponentially in the past 3 weeks. Oddly enough, adding/dropping has done nothing to improve the performance.

On the other hand we have MANSWEATERS. After last week, MS broke the 1000 point threshold by doing the bare minimum (getting 1000 on the dot). He stands 2-3 on the season with wins over Ralph and G. He is in 6th Place and coming off a loss to Numero Uno: The Breaston Plants. Much like the sticks, MS has only eclipsed 200 twice, (in life - not since the day he was born) on the season and is looking to take advantage of what most deem to be an easy match up.

I was able to interview both managers prior to deadline and this is what they had to say:

fishsticks: "If I don't beat Carl, it is over. My fantasy mediocrity has turned to fantasy crapiness and it is time to shit or get off the pot. The one thing I do know is that win, lose or draw Carl is still a fag. I mean just look at his name 'MANSWEATERS.' The dude sweats men. He is admitting it to everyone and for that alone I should get the W. Regardless, I got McNabb back and I am working on some big things. Don't be surprised if the roster you see today isn't the same one that runs out there on Sunday but even if it is...that dick rider is going down."

MANSWEATERS: "No comments at this time. My secretary will get back to you."

One can only hope that secretary is a female, because if it is a male, he may never come up from beneath Carl's desk long enough to answer.

breaking: chris millen's win under review

Nips that cut glass very well may have gotten his first fantasy victory this weekend; then again, he may not have.

In a Battle of the Weak that again - DID. NOT. FAIL. Brett Farve and Bernard Berrian did everything they could to bring fishsticks his second win. When all was said and done Stattracker showed a 205-205 outcome; that is right, a tie. Thanks to Mason Crosby's gay field goal, the teams basically kissed their respective sisters. Alas, the morning came with a much different result - a 205-204 victory for Nips. Enraged by this, I have done research and the result of that research has been forwarded to Yahoo! for an explanation and possible score change.

Long story short, the match up scoring shows that Pitt's D gave up 28 points, which would be -1 in our league; had 3 sacks, which would be +3 in our league and a fumble recovery, which would be plus +2 for a grand total of FOUR points. But for anyone who watched the game, San Diego scored a TD on a fumbled punt return. Being in that those 6 points, in my opinion, shouldn't count towards Defensive points allowed, that would mean that Pitt's D actually gave up 22 points, which would be 0 in our league, which means Pitt's D had 5 points on the week and that Nips and sticks tied. The above summation has been forwarded to Yahoo! in a much more elegant fashion and an answer is expected in the next 24 hours. Big things poppin boys, stay tuned.

UPDATE: Bullshit win upheld. Whatever.

matchup of the weak: fishsticks v. nips that cut glass

The 1-2 fishsticks enter their bye-week nightmare by facing the Chris Millen run Nips that Cut Glass (0-3).

The Nips that Cut Glass owner, ignoring his past performances, is steadfast in his belief that his time is coming: "I hate to say it but I think I'm going to get my first win this week."

This confidence is not unlike the rookie manager who has proclaimed greatness every step of his winless season. However, as the adjusted standings show, he has run into some bad luck so maybe his confidence is warranted? "I don't know why that douche is so confident but when it comes to performing on Sunday/Monday, his team has stunk worse than his horribly smelling shits," stated a defiant fishsticks manager.

Current first place manager, Eric Gawkoski had this to say: "If Chris loses, he's done. But this is a huge week for fishsticks too...if you go 1-3 that hurts. It's going to be interesting to see but I think Chris has an edge. The key player of the week is going to be Shaun Hill...that's a lot of insight."

Surprising house guest Anthony V., known as a sage by many, says "I am going with fishsticks...because I know Matt better."

So what will it be, will fishsticks fall further down the standings and drop to a desperation inducing 1-3 or can he recapture his Week 2 magic and right the ship? Fishsticks manager left us with these words, "He may have a good smile and a huge cock, but none of that will matter when I'm fucking his face like Reggie Bush does Kim Kardashian on any given night....and the Jets on Sunday."

the win that could have been.

(I didn't make the video but the music pretty much turns this video from an 8 to an 11)

Much has been made of Conig's stunning Week 2 victory over Carl by the Bunch'a'tools faithful...but the whole story remains untold. As the savvy ring leader of bunch'a'nigs (then: iamchamp) pointed out to me today, Marion Barber (already with 23 points on the night) was in the midst of a ginormous run with nothing but end zone in his barbarian sights when he appeared to clumsily fall to the ground (seemingly emulating his owner, Carl, on any day that ends in Y). However, unlike Carl's infantile acrobatics in life, it was not retardation that caused Barber's fall but rather a hamstring injury...a hamstring injury that cost Carl at least 6 points (+ whatever yardage was left on the run) and the Week 2 win.

O man, this loss just keeps getting better.

you've got to be kidding me.

(The match up of the weak did. not. fail.)

The Red Sox from 1918-2003, the Cincinnati Bengals, the Cleveland Browns, the Cubs, Carl Lafranco. What do all of these things have in common? They are unimaginable, incomparable, un-save-able losers. These tormented souls don't just lose but they find new, embarrassing ways to lose day in and day out.

Going into Monday, Carl "MANSWEATERS" Lafranco was the proud owner of a 34 point lead. What stood between Carl and victory? A tight end by the name of Dallas Clark. 9.95 times out of ten; when you go into Monday with a 34 point lead and your opponent has only a tight end playing...you are going to win. But Carl has somehow, someway managed to stumble his way into the .05 percent.

7 receptions, 183 yards and 1 touchdown...36 fantasy points. That, my friends, adds up to an iamchamp victory...improbable as it may have seemed.

After watching Dallas Clark slap his dick down the field with daddy Peyton, an exhausted iamchamp said only:"Don't call it a fucking comeback," before heading into the locker room.

As if that story was not enough, what made this comeback even more impressive/ improbable/ tailor made to happen to Carl is that Indy had the ball for LESS THAN 15 MINUTES ON OFFENSE IN THE ENTIRE GAME. Stop playing fantasy sports Carl...stop gambling. Stop anything you can lose at because chances are you will find a way to do so.

(In light of the 223-221 iamchamp victory, MANSWEATERS gets optimal shithead for Week 2. By leaving Jonathan Stewart's 10 points on the bench (heir go leaving victory on the bench) Carl has become the proud owner of this dumb person award. Congrats "bro.")

week 2 recap

(This week's recap is sponsored by Jeter's fucktoy Minka Kelly. Why? Well if you are asking that you are gay, but I will indulge your Andy Benard-ness and tell you it's because she plays a cheerleader on a football show....and she is smoking hot.)

Not that anyone but Ric reads this but this week was hectic between becoming a lawyer (officially) and getting sick so all features are going to be short

Optimal Shithead Week 1 - iamchamp, because he said it should be him. To be honest I didn't realize I had to look at the stat tracker Monday night because it changes with the add/drops that people make on Tuesday. Moreover, apparently the match up feature on the league homepage doesn't feature benches. So congrats Steve, you win by default. Week 2's will have better analysis.

Match up of the Weak - MANSWEATERS v. iamchamp. iamchamp had high hopes coming into this season and MANSWEATERS...well he had aspirations of not finishing last. Unfortunately for both, Week 1 was not kind to their hopes and aspirations.

- iamchamp could have (or maybe not) managed victory from the jaws of defeat in Week 1. (I have just been too lazy to figure it out but regardless he ran into buzzsaw in points leader Q'sNARB - FYI iamchamp, Tom Brady did beat you).

- Carl picked up right where he left off in baseball, hockey, basketball, 2008 football...life. DEAD LAST.

So what does Week 2 bring these fierce competitors? Will Conig get back on track towards our first modern day fantasy dynasty and keep Carl in the basement? or will Carl pull a Buster Douglas...All I know? any. given. Sunday.

Match up of the Week - fishsticks v. Q's NARB. Roommates. Friends. Lovers. (What??) A battle for house supremacy could lead to an awkward work week for the two buddies. "Wait till Monday night," said NARB while fishsticks replied: "I won't have to wait till Monday night to lock this week down."

fishsticks manager Matthew Bruzzese has made headlines this week by announcing a forthcoming hiatus from fantasy sports after the completion of this fantasy football season...but can he go out with a bang? or will he continue his path of fantasy mediocrity? Starting Week 2 with an 0-1 record and having to play against a perennial powerhouse does not bode well for the fiery, impatient move maker.