where is the carl? part 2

Still owing a lot of money Carl has seemingly fell off the face of the planet.

8 moves in football? not setting his basketball lineup? missing drafts? what the fuck dude?

SHOW YOURSELF!

new feature: doodie chat

I decided that at the beginning-middle of each week I am going to ask for a quick statement from everyone about their upcoming opponent in an effort to jump start the hatred and smack talk:

----------

RIC v. RALPH

Ralph - No comment...this team needs to focus on execution and just making plays. Can't worry about the numbers on the backs of the jerseys on the other side of the ball.

Ric - It doesn't even matter [who I am playing] I got the best team in the league. I'm going to beat said team down. Ralph, Dick, Bobby, Tom...it doesn't matter.

(how fucking noble of you Ralph. Way to step up and be a man. Keep your pansy shit for your other football leagues. Take your panties off for this one, choir boy.)

----------

Q v. CHRIS

Q - Me: any messages for your opponent this week? Q: Yeah. Thanks for pushing me into second place.

Chris - He is running into a hot team. Both on the field and off. He is screwed.

(That is what I'm fucking talking about)

----------

CONIG v. G

Conig - suck a dick, no homo.

G - I will be sending that Mexican back across the border in a body bag. Fack Steve...Fack his dumb team...fack his dumb face...fack MEXICO.

(who didn't see that coming.)

Update: Seemingly taking offense to my little add on there; G issued a further statement directed at yours truly: You know what you won't see coming...my fucking roundhouse across your stupid face when I walk in the door tonight you son of a bitch.

(At least he stopped spelling fuck - "fack" - right? right?)

matchup of the weak:

As. Simple. As. It. Gets. The past two match up of the weaks have been amazing...Can these two unworthy competitors keep it going?

The current last place team v. the perennial last place team.

(Sad as it is, I run this blog and yet I've had to pick myself in two, count 'em TWO, match ups of the weak.)

On the season fishsticks has the second lowest point total (994) and has broken Carl's dream weight (200) only twice on the season. Patience finally gave way to rash decision making as fishsticks has increased the roster moves exponentially in the past 3 weeks. Oddly enough, adding/dropping has done nothing to improve the performance.

On the other hand we have MANSWEATERS. After last week, MS broke the 1000 point threshold by doing the bare minimum (getting 1000 on the dot). He stands 2-3 on the season with wins over Ralph and G. He is in 6th Place and coming off a loss to Numero Uno: The Breaston Plants. Much like the sticks, MS has only eclipsed 200 twice, (in life - not since the day he was born) on the season and is looking to take advantage of what most deem to be an easy match up.

I was able to interview both managers prior to deadline and this is what they had to say:

fishsticks: "If I don't beat Carl, it is over. My fantasy mediocrity has turned to fantasy crapiness and it is time to shit or get off the pot. The one thing I do know is that win, lose or draw Carl is still a fag. I mean just look at his name 'MANSWEATERS.' The dude sweats men. He is admitting it to everyone and for that alone I should get the W. Regardless, I got McNabb back and I am working on some big things. Don't be surprised if the roster you see today isn't the same one that runs out there on Sunday but even if it is...that dick rider is going down."

MANSWEATERS: "No comments at this time. My secretary will get back to you."

One can only hope that secretary is a female, because if it is a male, he may never come up from beneath Carl's desk long enough to answer.

the win that could have been.

(I didn't make the video but the music pretty much turns this video from an 8 to an 11)

Much has been made of Conig's stunning Week 2 victory over Carl by the Bunch'a'tools faithful...but the whole story remains untold. As the savvy ring leader of bunch'a'nigs (then: iamchamp) pointed out to me today, Marion Barber (already with 23 points on the night) was in the midst of a ginormous run with nothing but end zone in his barbarian sights when he appeared to clumsily fall to the ground (seemingly emulating his owner, Carl, on any day that ends in Y). However, unlike Carl's infantile acrobatics in life, it was not retardation that caused Barber's fall but rather a hamstring injury...a hamstring injury that cost Carl at least 6 points (+ whatever yardage was left on the run) and the Week 2 win.

O man, this loss just keeps getting better.

could it be...do we have the a budding anti-dynasty?

Week 1: 192-173 Loss to to Ralph

Week 2: 254-204 Loss to G

Week 3: well on his way to a loss to Ric and securing the title of optimal shithead

The person I am describing is none other than Chris Taddoni aka nips that cut glass. After two moves and one name change, it appears that all Chris "Millen" has done is take baby steps to the path of non-perfection.

Chris' 0-3 start is only highlighted by the genius idea of starting Wes Welker (despite the fact that he hasn't played in one week or practiced in two) and benching a combined 30 points in Knoshown Moreno and LeSean McCoy (two players with names tailor made for Conig's squad).

So here's to you optimal shithead...Carl thanks you for keeping his spot at the bottom of the standings warm.

you've got to be kidding me.

(The match up of the weak did. not. fail.)

The Red Sox from 1918-2003, the Cincinnati Bengals, the Cleveland Browns, the Cubs, Carl Lafranco. What do all of these things have in common? They are unimaginable, incomparable, un-save-able losers. These tormented souls don't just lose but they find new, embarrassing ways to lose day in and day out.

Going into Monday, Carl "MANSWEATERS" Lafranco was the proud owner of a 34 point lead. What stood between Carl and victory? A tight end by the name of Dallas Clark. 9.95 times out of ten; when you go into Monday with a 34 point lead and your opponent has only a tight end playing...you are going to win. But Carl has somehow, someway managed to stumble his way into the .05 percent.

7 receptions, 183 yards and 1 touchdown...36 fantasy points. That, my friends, adds up to an iamchamp victory...improbable as it may have seemed.

After watching Dallas Clark slap his dick down the field with daddy Peyton, an exhausted iamchamp said only:"Don't call it a fucking comeback," before heading into the locker room.

As if that story was not enough, what made this comeback even more impressive/ improbable/ tailor made to happen to Carl is that Indy had the ball for LESS THAN 15 MINUTES ON OFFENSE IN THE ENTIRE GAME. Stop playing fantasy sports Carl...stop gambling. Stop anything you can lose at because chances are you will find a way to do so.

(In light of the 223-221 iamchamp victory, MANSWEATERS gets optimal shithead for Week 2. By leaving Jonathan Stewart's 10 points on the bench (heir go leaving victory on the bench) Carl has become the proud owner of this dumb person award. Congrats "bro.")

week 2 recap

(This week's recap is sponsored by Jeter's fucktoy Minka Kelly. Why? Well if you are asking that you are gay, but I will indulge your Andy Benard-ness and tell you it's because she plays a cheerleader on a football show....and she is smoking hot.)

Not that anyone but Ric reads this but this week was hectic between becoming a lawyer (officially) and getting sick so all features are going to be short

Optimal Shithead Week 1 - iamchamp, because he said it should be him. To be honest I didn't realize I had to look at the stat tracker Monday night because it changes with the add/drops that people make on Tuesday. Moreover, apparently the match up feature on the league homepage doesn't feature benches. So congrats Steve, you win by default. Week 2's will have better analysis.

Match up of the Weak - MANSWEATERS v. iamchamp. iamchamp had high hopes coming into this season and MANSWEATERS...well he had aspirations of not finishing last. Unfortunately for both, Week 1 was not kind to their hopes and aspirations.

- iamchamp could have (or maybe not) managed victory from the jaws of defeat in Week 1. (I have just been too lazy to figure it out but regardless he ran into buzzsaw in points leader Q'sNARB - FYI iamchamp, Tom Brady did beat you).

- Carl picked up right where he left off in baseball, hockey, basketball, 2008 football...life. DEAD LAST.

So what does Week 2 bring these fierce competitors? Will Conig get back on track towards our first modern day fantasy dynasty and keep Carl in the basement? or will Carl pull a Buster Douglas...All I know? any. given. Sunday.

Match up of the Week - fishsticks v. Q's NARB. Roommates. Friends. Lovers. (What??) A battle for house supremacy could lead to an awkward work week for the two buddies. "Wait till Monday night," said NARB while fishsticks replied: "I won't have to wait till Monday night to lock this week down."

fishsticks manager Matthew Bruzzese has made headlines this week by announcing a forthcoming hiatus from fantasy sports after the completion of this fantasy football season...but can he go out with a bang? or will he continue his path of fantasy mediocrity? Starting Week 2 with an 0-1 record and having to play against a perennial powerhouse does not bode well for the fiery, impatient move maker.

draft day reactions

(This post is sponsored by thick-thigh'd blondes under center. HIYOO)

Matthew Bruzzese//fishsticks - My receiving core is weak as shit. I took a lot of chances late in the draft and I think that I started strong and drafted terribly in the middle-late rounds. Here's to hoping that no one on my team gets hurt.

Steven Conigliaro//iamchamp - I think it went well from the 6th position. I think I should have targeted a better second quarter back but other than that it is alright. I think Carl actually didn't have that bad of a draft other than the fact that he let Matt Forte fall to fishsticks.

Eric Gawkoski//Q's NARB - I feel like I have a lot of big time players. Definitely took a couple of gambles but I'm confident I will be in the Superbowl again. Look at it this way...I could have passed on Matt Forte and taken Larry Fitzgerald. That would have been awful.

Michael Guglielmo//Buff Bagwell's Haircut - Awesome! Really feel that I drafted a deep team...at all positions...even my bench is looking good...some people I wanted didn't drop to me...but it's all good...very satisfied with my overall draft

Carl Lafranco//MANSWEATERS - I feel that if I take my blackberry out one more time in the South Bronx, I'm going to get jumped. Not only that, everywhere I go I look like a god damn detective under cover. Some dude asked me if I was in the 46 which is the hub down here. [Me: None of that answer's the question about your draft.] What about it? Got some questions at QB and Leon and Bradshaw do work I'm good. [I think that he meant to say "IF Leon.... but there is no predicting Carl so I didn't bother editing it.]

Steven Querolo//G's Mud Butt - I don't know. I suck.

Ralph Ross//T.O. for president - Honestly, I wasn't happy about it. I was sooo fucking busy at work. I got fucked because some kid didn't show up to work so I had to take his work too. I just didn't have a good pulse on the draft. Didn't even see half of the names come off the board. I have 4 billion running backs...some of which are a crap shoot! Some are solid though.

Chris Taddoni//The Newbie - I feel very strong... especially with my starting squad.... I'm a little worried that I drafted to many unproven rookies on potential alone... I hope it does not screw me....because if it turns out that they don't do anything, my team will struggle.

pre-draft profile: Carl

Never in the history of humanity has one person inspired such love, hatred, joy, anger, envy, pity, lust and disgust. Much like himself, descriptions of those around him are ripe with confusion; bordering on bipolar.

Meghan Kane, who is a longtime staple of Carl's daily self mutilation and the person who introduced Carl to our world some four years ago had this to say about the beautiful mess: "Carl is good hearted but misguided with his actions in most runs of life."

Non-league member Thomas Brower pulled no punches in his description of the boy with hair for nipples; "Bull in a china shop. Oaf. Overwhelming. Relentlessly obnoxious. Clumsy. Goonish. Brute.....Good heart."

Commish Steve Conigliaro described Carl as "an enigma with worse bi-polar schitzo tendencies than Hank and Charlie," also making it a point to add that Carl "owes a lot of people money."

In one word, Mike G. summed up Carl as "dirty," before rushing off to chase the clouds.

While Matthew Bruzzese refused comment, Steve "Hammer" Querolo-Tauber's bitch likened Carl to "a boy trapped in an old man's body."

Carl is successful at polarizing people, but is he successful in fantasy sports? "Arguably the worst fantasy sports participant Yahoo! has ever encountered." Steve Querolo mused before adding, "Honestly, who the fuck takes two pitchers for their first two picks? Need I say more?" Ignoring his own question, Sarah's bitch...actually did say more, "I am still a greenhorn when it comes to fantasy sports and I even wouldn't do some retarded fucked up move like that. Hence his last place position in every league."

While Carl's ineptitude may be true in baseball, the same cannot necessarily be said for football. One of the founding fathers of this Internet fantasy frenzy, Carl has managed 11 teams dating back to 2002. Of those eleven campaigns, Carl has finished 3rd or higher over 50% of the time (6 of 11) including a chip as recently as 2007.

Despite his general success, it would be foolish to ignore the fact that his last two seasons under General Conig's settings, Carl jerked his penis to the tune of a 7th place finish in 2007 and a 5th place finish in 2008. Is this the start of a trend of improvement? Is Carl poised for a big season? "Carl? A big fantasy season? HA! That kid ain't good enough to lick the dirt off my cleats." says Mike G., who inexplicably wears cleats to play fantasy football. "The only thing big Carl has ever been poised for is the penis' he dreams about every night." stated Eric Gawkoski. "Carl is a good kid but he is as useless as tits on Ralph Ross' thigh and he cant handle the pressure, that's it." echoed Matthew Bruzzese

While Carl Lafranco is a man of many words (mostly spelled wrong and used in the wrong situation) with a childlike sense of wonder, chewbacca-like looks, and a thought process that can only be described as outlandish; it is clear that he is being doubted by most. What does a doucheface who often inspires laughs, but rarely inspires confidence do to address his situation? Offering some advice, Meghan Kane said, "[Carl] should avoid any actions involving running or even walking because it won't end well for himself or anyone nearby...now that I think of it, he can't even sit without injury."

Despite the harsh words, kind sentiments and everything in between, one thing is for sure: The unpredictable nature of the man with hair in body parts that most don't know exist has everyone wondering if this be the year where he finally stumbles his way to a fantasy championship?

have you seen this man?

Name: Carl La Frank-COOOOOOOOOOOOO.

Alias': French Toast, Crazy Carl, Stupid Idiot, CARL SHUT THE FUCK UP, Dood, Buns, Massa Ass Blasta, Pop-up hitter to panty dropper, Mr. Clutch (at failing), STOMP STOMP, Bro, Last Place Larry, Lucky Loser, Drama Queen, Phantom Boob Grabber, Bleeder, and many more.

Alert: What the French Toast has been MIA like paper planes lately and the public is starting to suspect that he may have had a hand in the death of Jasmine Fiore. Anyone who knows this Axe spraying, fist pumping, injury prone, lovable ball of energy knows that he is capable of no good at any time.

If you know the whereabouts of the devil spawn of Mainland Marian and Lil Wayne -OR- any of you want to pay the $50.00 that you owe for the league then call Commish-Conig ASAP.