pre-draft profile: steven "q" querolo

No story, for this (wo)man, is necessary for a picture is worth a thousand words.

Prediction: Last Place.

Thanks for the money big guy.

pre-draft profile: Carl

Never in the history of humanity has one person inspired such love, hatred, joy, anger, envy, pity, lust and disgust. Much like himself, descriptions of those around him are ripe with confusion; bordering on bipolar.

Meghan Kane, who is a longtime staple of Carl's daily self mutilation and the person who introduced Carl to our world some four years ago had this to say about the beautiful mess: "Carl is good hearted but misguided with his actions in most runs of life."

Non-league member Thomas Brower pulled no punches in his description of the boy with hair for nipples; "Bull in a china shop. Oaf. Overwhelming. Relentlessly obnoxious. Clumsy. Goonish. Brute.....Good heart."

Commish Steve Conigliaro described Carl as "an enigma with worse bi-polar schitzo tendencies than Hank and Charlie," also making it a point to add that Carl "owes a lot of people money."

In one word, Mike G. summed up Carl as "dirty," before rushing off to chase the clouds.

While Matthew Bruzzese refused comment, Steve "Hammer" Querolo-Tauber's bitch likened Carl to "a boy trapped in an old man's body."

Carl is successful at polarizing people, but is he successful in fantasy sports? "Arguably the worst fantasy sports participant Yahoo! has ever encountered." Steve Querolo mused before adding, "Honestly, who the fuck takes two pitchers for their first two picks? Need I say more?" Ignoring his own question, Sarah's bitch...actually did say more, "I am still a greenhorn when it comes to fantasy sports and I even wouldn't do some retarded fucked up move like that. Hence his last place position in every league."

While Carl's ineptitude may be true in baseball, the same cannot necessarily be said for football. One of the founding fathers of this Internet fantasy frenzy, Carl has managed 11 teams dating back to 2002. Of those eleven campaigns, Carl has finished 3rd or higher over 50% of the time (6 of 11) including a chip as recently as 2007.

Despite his general success, it would be foolish to ignore the fact that his last two seasons under General Conig's settings, Carl jerked his penis to the tune of a 7th place finish in 2007 and a 5th place finish in 2008. Is this the start of a trend of improvement? Is Carl poised for a big season? "Carl? A big fantasy season? HA! That kid ain't good enough to lick the dirt off my cleats." says Mike G., who inexplicably wears cleats to play fantasy football. "The only thing big Carl has ever been poised for is the penis' he dreams about every night." stated Eric Gawkoski. "Carl is a good kid but he is as useless as tits on Ralph Ross' thigh and he cant handle the pressure, that's it." echoed Matthew Bruzzese

While Carl Lafranco is a man of many words (mostly spelled wrong and used in the wrong situation) with a childlike sense of wonder, chewbacca-like looks, and a thought process that can only be described as outlandish; it is clear that he is being doubted by most. What does a doucheface who often inspires laughs, but rarely inspires confidence do to address his situation? Offering some advice, Meghan Kane said, "[Carl] should avoid any actions involving running or even walking because it won't end well for himself or anyone nearby...now that I think of it, he can't even sit without injury."

Despite the harsh words, kind sentiments and everything in between, one thing is for sure: The unpredictable nature of the man with hair in body parts that most don't know exist has everyone wondering if this be the year where he finally stumbles his way to a fantasy championship?

pre-draft profile: ralph "ham" ross

(What is in the little red box Little Red Riding Ham?)

Friend. Brother. Son. Boyfriend. Babe. Fan. Employee. Giver. Ralph. He goes by many a name but do you really know who Ralph Ross is?

When my journey began to profile the lovable, chin-strap bearded Yankee fan, I had no idea what I would find. I had no idea what his story would be and after being met with dead end after dead end, my frustration began.

Here is what I do know about Ralph. He loves insurance...like more than anyone in the history of insurance. His affair with insuring people began when later-in-life friend Eric Gawkoski and high school hump buddy Steve "i am champ" Conigliaro introduced him to Tri-State Insurance where he worked for over a year. Ralph had enough and even his love affair with Yims Wok (a local [overrated] Chinese food establishment) was not enough to keep the man-child in the confines of the Jericho based insurance company. As Ralph quit, those around him were perplexed and even upset. "It was hard when [Ralph] left...more so than when that fag Steve left. I really did enjoy my time with [Ralph], I can't lie about that. But fuck that spic [Steve]. I'm coming for that bitch."

In terms of Ralph leaving, Steve echoed the sentiments of Eric Gawkoski: "[Working with Ralph] was a great time, actually. I was a little sad [when he left]...we weren't able to double team Danielle everyday anymore."

After Ralph left Tri-state, he picked up another insurance job before moving on to....you guessed it....a third insurance job. This is where the story blurs. After giving his two weeks notice at the second insurance company, Ralph left for the new position and as quickly as wings disappear in his basement on Sunday afternoons, Ralph was unemployed. Matthew Bruzzese talked to Ralph about the third insurance company and even he could not get answers: "I don't know dude, he said it was bullshit, he said he didn't care, but he didn't really say what happened."

Ralph has seemingly taken this life turn as a blessing. He spends his nights editing video for Major League Baseball and his days doing God knows what. "He's definitely getting ready for the football season," says childhood crush of Ralph, Matthew Bruzzese; "I bet he is making excel spreadsheets and jerking off into a Terrell Owens Jersey all day...but honestly I have no idea what he does all day...stare at a picture of that girlfriend of his...I wonder what she is doing?" Matt pondered before walking away with an evil smile.

Ralph's fantasy life is as murky as his regular life. He currently is the owner of at least two Yahoo! "handles." Participating in baseball this season Ralph logs in under the handle "rossralph." A review of Ralph's football history under "rossralph"revealed the following:

rossralph... has not played any Football Fantasy Games

A source who has requested anonymity due to his proximity to the league has informed us that Ralph particpated in multiple fantasy football leagues dating as far back as 2004 under the moniker "skintacoralph." After searching the Yahoo! database, it appears that our source was right. As for Ralph's fantasy football history...well that is spotty at best.

In 2004, his first fantasy football campaign, Ralph finished 9/10. The terrible showing seemingly scarred Ralph as he did not participate in fantasy football for three years.

In 2007, Ralph returned re-charged and re-focused. Participating in two leagues where he finished 3rd and 4th out of 10 teams. However, against less competition that year, Ralph did not fare so well. While managing in an 8 team league, Ralph finished dead....last.

In what may be a sign of maturity, Ralph did not shy away from football in 2008, again participating in three leagues showing mild success (2/8 and 4/8) as well as another below average campaign (6/10). But now he has changed his name. and no one knows why. Could he be hiding something?

"I don't know what he is hiding," Steve Conigliaro said; "but I'm not worried about him seeing what he has done in baseball this year." So many questions. So few answers. All we know is that the mystery extends beyond fantasy.

Steve "Eat Me Express" Tauber-Querolo tried to shed some light on the situation: "[Ralph has] an arsenal of worthless football knowledge that is going to take him straight to last place, right next to G and [Carl]. But on a serious note, he is really hiding the 'T.O.' that he has shaved into his pubes." Not done yet, Steve Q, in an almost jovial continuation, stated; "[Ralph's] got about the same chance at winning this league as Carl has of drafting a top five baseball team."

What is Ralph? A free spirit looking for his way? Or a cold calculated fantasy murder, looking for his first Yahoo! championship? "He looks like he could be an 80's porn star," says new guy Chris Taddoni. "It doesn't matter if he is a vampire, shape shifter, boy toucher or ESPN fantasy football guru....he's going down like Q's girlfriend on a non-Jewish penis....better yet, he's going down like Trent Edwards on a rainy day," proclaimed Matthew Bruzzese.

The mystery is still there, but one thing is for sure; Ralph can go along way to answering questions and shutting people's mouths with a strong showing in Bunch'a'Tools Fantasy Football 2009.

fantasy profile: Mike G

Webster's dictionary defines "selfish" as devoted to or caring only for oneself; concerned primarily with one's own interests, benefits, welfare, etc. regardless of others. Friends of Mike G seemingly define selfish with a simple glare in his classless direction.

In October of 1983 a wonderful/unfortunate woman gave birth to the unexpected...a full grown man. G did not squirm, crawl or even slide out of the womb. He walked out...with a full beard. You see G was born 4'5'' and grew from there. The pain of birthing a normal sized human was too much for even the strongest woman and the G's decided that "little" Mike was enough.

Growing up an only child, Mike was spoiled with love, attention and gifts. He developed a highly unwavering sense of entitlement which grew into what childhood friend Matt Bruzzese described only as "unimaginable selfishness." What's yours is mine and what's mine is mine - that seemed to be the theory under which G operated. Long time friend Neil Testa on Mike's ability to share: "G Share? Ha." Louis Fretto echoed the sentiment with a laugh, saying "I would have to say it's non existent."

Every video game, every bubble chair, everything he wanted, he got. But did he share? "Never," Matt Bruzzese said; "That son of a bitch even cut his hair like Buff Bagwell one time after meeting the juice head and tried to tell everyone that Buff Bagwell copied HIS haircut. Unreal."

Despite years of taking, keeping, wanting and stealing, it appears that G has found something that he cannot get his grubby giant hands on...a fantasy championship. A search of the Yahoo! database revealed that in three fantasy football seasons over two years (2007/2008) G has not finished higher than third. When questioned, Mike responded that he wanted a fantasy championship "more than I want your girlfriend." Pure class.

It seems that Mr. Me First is the only one who actually thinks a fantasy chip in his future as his fellow league members are not so convinced. "He has about as much [of a] chance [at winning] as you have of taking a solid shit." Eric Gawkoski stated via the Onstar Hotline. Steve "Eat Me Express" Q concurred stating, "The same chance he has every fantasy season. NO CHANCE. And that's on the record, bitch."

Ralph "HAM" Ross was a little bit more diplomatic in his forecast, but that did not stop him from expressing his true feelings: "In this league anybody could beat anybody on any given Sunday. The talent level is so high so you can't underestimate your opponent. [Mike G] will probably finish 7th or 8th just before Carl." Speaking of Carl, the boneheaded bumbling idiot came out of his self-imposed hibernation to say only that it is "highly doubtful" that G will win Fantasy Football in 2009 highlighting that "he doesn't do shit to his team. No trades. No moves." Even new guy Chris Taddoni did not temper his expectations of G's seemingly destined failure stating that "G has about as a good of a chance at winning as the Mets have of beating Cliff Lee today."

After researching this man's life, talking to his friends, delving into his past, and forecasting his future, I can honestly say that I do not think that Mike G is selfish; despite his stated desire to do dirty things to my girlfriend's "medium sized boobs." If anything, I have found him to be quite the opposite...I mean, after all, he is donating $50.00 to Bunch'a'Tools Fantasy Football 2009.