(What is in the little red box Little Red Riding Ham?)
Friend. Brother. Son. Boyfriend. Babe. Fan. Employee. Giver. Ralph. He goes by many a name but do you really know who Ralph Ross is?
When my journey began to profile the lovable, chin-strap bearded Yankee fan, I had no idea what I would find. I had no idea what his story would be and after being met with dead end after dead end, my frustration began.
Here is what I do know about Ralph. He loves insurance...like more than anyone in the history of insurance. His affair with insuring people began when later-in-life friend Eric Gawkoski and high school hump buddy Steve "i am champ" Conigliaro introduced him to Tri-State Insurance where he worked for over a year. Ralph had enough and even his love affair with Yims Wok (a local [overrated] Chinese food establishment) was not enough to keep the man-child in the confines of the Jericho based insurance company. As Ralph quit, those around him were perplexed and even upset. "It was hard when [Ralph] left...more so than when that fag Steve left. I really did enjoy my time with [Ralph], I can't lie about that. But fuck that spic [Steve]. I'm coming for that bitch."
In terms of Ralph leaving, Steve echoed the sentiments of Eric Gawkoski: "[Working with Ralph] was a great time, actually. I was a little sad [when he left]...we weren't able to double team Danielle everyday anymore."
After Ralph left Tri-state, he picked up another insurance job before moving on to....you guessed it....a third insurance job. This is where the story blurs. After giving his two weeks notice at the second insurance company, Ralph left for the new position and as quickly as wings disappear in his basement on Sunday afternoons, Ralph was unemployed. Matthew Bruzzese talked to Ralph about the third insurance company and even he could not get answers: "I don't know dude, he said it was bullshit, he said he didn't care, but he didn't really say what happened."
Ralph has seemingly taken this life turn as a blessing. He spends his nights editing video for Major League Baseball and his days doing God knows what. "He's definitely getting ready for the football season," says childhood crush of Ralph, Matthew Bruzzese; "I bet he is making excel spreadsheets and jerking off into a Terrell Owens Jersey all day...but honestly I have no idea what he does all day...stare at a picture of that girlfriend of his...I wonder what she is doing?" Matt pondered before walking away with an evil smile.
Ralph's fantasy life is as murky as his regular life. He currently is the owner of at least two Yahoo! "handles." Participating in baseball this season Ralph logs in under the handle "rossralph." A review of Ralph's football history under "rossralph"revealed the following:
rossralph... has not played any Football Fantasy Games
A source who has requested anonymity due to his proximity to the league has informed us that Ralph particpated in multiple fantasy football leagues dating as far back as 2004 under the moniker "skintacoralph." After searching the Yahoo! database, it appears that our source was right. As for Ralph's fantasy football history...well that is spotty at best.
In 2004, his first fantasy football campaign, Ralph finished 9/10. The terrible showing seemingly scarred Ralph as he did not participate in fantasy football for three years.
In 2007, Ralph returned re-charged and re-focused. Participating in two leagues where he finished 3rd and 4th out of 10 teams. However, against less competition that year, Ralph did not fare so well. While managing in an 8 team league, Ralph finished dead....last.
In what may be a sign of maturity, Ralph did not shy away from football in 2008, again participating in three leagues showing mild success (2/8 and 4/8) as well as another below average campaign (6/10). But now he has changed his name. and no one knows why. Could he be hiding something?
"I don't know what he is hiding," Steve Conigliaro said; "but I'm not worried about him seeing what he has done in baseball this year." So many questions. So few answers. All we know is that the mystery extends beyond fantasy.
Steve "Eat Me Express" Tauber-Querolo tried to shed some light on the situation: "[Ralph has] an arsenal of worthless football knowledge that is going to take him straight to last place, right next to G and [Carl]. But on a serious note, he is really hiding the 'T.O.' that he has shaved into his pubes." Not done yet, Steve Q, in an almost jovial continuation, stated; "[Ralph's] got about the same chance at winning this league as Carl has of drafting a top five baseball team."
What is Ralph? A free spirit looking for his way? Or a cold calculated fantasy murder, looking for his first Yahoo! championship? "He looks like he could be an 80's porn star," says new guy Chris Taddoni. "It doesn't matter if he is a vampire, shape shifter, boy toucher or ESPN fantasy football guru....he's going down like Q's girlfriend on a non-Jewish penis....better yet, he's going down like Trent Edwards on a rainy day," proclaimed Matthew Bruzzese.
The mystery is still there, but one thing is for sure; Ralph can go along way to answering questions and shutting people's mouths with a strong showing in Bunch'a'Tools Fantasy Football 2009.
